disappointments.

(It’s funny because I actually spelled it “dissapointments” in my first post.)

I hate friends that don’t matter.

They take up precious space.

I was let down completely this past weekend. Not only was I ridiculously sick and unhappy, I got my toe rammed on by cleats and am now at the mercy of a disgustingly hideous “crutch” shoe.

The sun was shining, the sky was warm, the air was clean. There was so much space in this school, I couldn’t be happier playing anywhere else. I even thought of transferring to this cow-infested land. It was supposed to be great, having that frisbee tournament where all of my friends went to school - UC Davis. But it didn’t turn out that way, did it?

Although I made a miracle one day recovery from my headache, I didn’t see any of my friends. No. Not once. Why? Because they expected me to go find them. They expected me to make the effort to travel around Davis with no car, no bike, no directions, and on Sunday, no foot. They were too busy shopping for houses and hanging out with their boyfriends to cross the street of their dorm.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t be so annoyed.

I mean yeah, I got invited to dinner…and then uninvited in the same ten minutes because it was someone’s birthday. Great. Because that person traveled a hundred miles to eat dinner with you.

What the hell?

It’s funny because I should expect this. Who ever did make an effort to come watch me compete in the five years I have done sports? Who ever did asked about how I felt after fainting and losing my chance at everything? Who ever did care?

I can honestly only think of three people. The people I call my best friends. The people that were there to make an effort to see what I was passionate about, or even, share my passion with me. And now I know why. Because the rest just don’t care about me as much, I guess I don’t care about them either. Because the rest just don’t matter.

But maybe I’m just annoyed.

Last chance.

right and wrong.

this was for my english class, no lie. :)

“The going on” was written much differently from “the setting out”. While “the setting out” was mainly about the Kiowa’s history and old stories of creation, “the going on” focused more on the tribe’s outlook on life and how one should live it. To be honest, “the going on” really kind of pissed me off. I mean, maybe it was because I am a girl or because I am not a big fan of conniving plots and sneaky schemes, but the morals of the Kiowa did not please me at all (if they can even be called morals). From the beginning of the twelfth story to the eighteenth, there was one moral that resounded throughout the chapter - wit and cunning.

XII. This first story talked about a couple who were suspicious of all the meat their child was bringing outside. When the “enemy” walked in, he admitted to originally planning to kill them, but the food kept him and the others from murder. The “enemy” asked for food for all of them and would show mercy in return. The couple, however, did not agree. They smartly planned an escape and ended up watching their enemies burn to death.

My first reaction to this story was that it was totally messed up - very different from all the fairy tales and stories I read as a child (okay, I still read them sometimes). Fairy tales usually went like this: A poor, revolting creature would ask a prince or princess for something. The prince or princess would of course be reluctant and refuse with a cold heart. The creature turns out to be magical and casts a curse on the prince or princess who learns their lesson and become kind, showing mercy to those who were in need of it. Long story short, kindness was rewarded. In this case, however, intelligence and suspicion was rewarded. The family’s reward for their genius plot? Hearing their enemies scream to their flaming deaths.

XIII. The story following wasn’t all that just either. Although the story starts out innocently with a background on the awesome arrow-making powers of the Kiowa, it quickly divulges into a man and his wife in a tipi. He catches something at the corner of his eye and tells his wife in their language to speak normally. He finishes the arrow and pretends to practice it, all the while asking if the enemy was a Kiowa and should respond now. When no response came, the man shot the arrow through the “enemy’s” heart.

Alright, so this story wasn’t as messed up as the first one of this chapter, but nonetheless totally cruel. First of all, it is assumed the person outside is an enemy. Second of all, he was killed without a word - what if he was a saint? A Samaritan? Or worse, ME?! I would have had no method of understanding them, protecting myself, or even begging for my life (which would end in an instant). My heart would bleed to death and that would be it. Again, the Kiowa only pride the smart man and his ingenious tactics. It’s not even about the stupid arrow anymore, it’s about the hunter and his brilliant instinct to kill.

So it really makes me question what was right or wrong in their society?
What is different about our society’s morals?
Does it make us right? And them wrong? Or the other way around?
Did we have a right to impose our “right” values onto their culture?

And don’t even get me started on how they treated the “evil” women…

~C.C.

p.s. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, if I did.

insomniac.

I can’t sleep until you’re next to me…

I know it’s five in the morning, but I wasn’t planning to get any sleep after I hung up the phone. I am the type of person that thinks and thinks and reflects off every deep conversation I have, those are the ones that help me grow.

This last phone call? It was serious. It was deep. It was also ridiculously frustrating and depressing. It made me realize I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what kind of person I want. I don’t know what love is. I don’t know anything.

I thought it was the best thing in the world, to be in a relationship. But I’m finding out the hard way that’s it’s not. Boyfriends and girlfriends can’t be kept with just physical attraction and sex. They’re delicate and a huge time committment. They require sacrifice and unconditional love. They ask and ask and ask. They bitch. They get angry. They put limits on your life.

But who said relationships were without fault? Hours and hours of time commitment to talking and figuring things out and blaming each other, is it worth it? Is it worth the love you so desperately claim to have?

I even googled how you know you’re in love. It’s unconditional. You sacrifice anything you hold dear to make another happy. You support them no matter what. You show your true selves to them. You give them the space they need to find themselves and their own dreams. It’s unconditional.

Nine Ways to Tell if Your Love Is Real

You feel good. A good relationship makes you feel good about yourself.

You look forward to spending time with your partner. You don’t need to be with other people or go to events to avoid being alone together. You enjoy spending quality time together even when it’s quiet.

You respect your partner. You hear yourself bragging about your partner. You say things like: “My husband is a really talented singer-songwriter.” If you find that you’re always talking about yourself, you’re not focused on your partner or the relationship.

You’re interested in what your partner thinks. You ask your partner’s opinion about issues that are important to you. It’s OK if he or she disagrees with you.

You accept your partner’s quirks. Everyone has them. Even you! If your partner’s quirks are endearing or tolerable, you’re in good shape. If they really bother you, you should look more closely at the relationship.

You’re able to work through your problems. It’s natural to have some bumps in the relationship road to true bliss. People in healthy relationships see disagreements as a chance to learn more about their partner. However, if you’re creating problems, or if you think every fight is the “big one” leading to a breakup, you should probably rethink your relationship.

You feel safe. You’re not afraid of losing your partner.

You can’t explain why you’re together. Many people coordinate their lives so that they have to be together. But ask yourself if you’re together because you truly want to be. If the answer is “yes,” then you’ll probably stay together. If it’s “no,” you’re bound to have problems — if you haven’t already.

You don’t compare your partner to others. There will always be someone more beautiful, smarter or more athletic than your partner, but you don’t care because you only want to be with him or her.

Am I in love? I don’t know anymore.

dear, oh dear.

I like my school.

If ever so little.

I went to visit another today. Er, well yesterday. And though the drive was long and the city quite dull, my friends were loving and stayed awake throughout my tiring day. I even bowled terribly and it was okay because I had a lot of laughs.

I’m not the type to get attached or to mope over lost friends, but there was something about the people I cherish, that I have learned to never let go (if I even could). I adore my boy. And I adore my girl. It’s no wonder my life crashes without their help. If my most prized posessions were things, I would be so terribly wrong. They aren’t something you can buy or even hold.

I prize my relationships. I prize those close. I prize my best friends. So I have to say, though the school I visited today matched more of my high standards and fit appeals, I like my school. It taught me how to love. How to cherish.

I love you guys.

And I can never say it enough.

work out.

One thousand.

Calories, that is. It took me so long - an hour and forty-five minutes to be exact - I think this work out deserved its own post! After a crazy day of climbing around the beach with Monica (which was beautiful, yet deadly by the way) I got to see kitty katt & cammi cakes at eggettes. Unfortunately we were next to retarded, pompous, think-they-are-cool-because-they-have-rice-rockets gangsters. Retards. Anyways, after thai, girls needed to go home.

Somewhat reluctant, I dropped them off at their car and headed towards 24 alone. But after starting the workout, feeling the rush, and getting that sweet taste of runner’s high? I knew I just have to train again. I mean, where else would all my competitive drive go? I’m straining relationships because of my idiotic use of my untouched stamina and restlessness. I mean, without competing in running I have all this leftover, crude adrenaline that I end up using in all the wrong places. Basically, I compete in everything from better phone to faster dinner.

And honestly, that’s just sad. Something has been missing in my life. And it’s the passion that has always stood by me and combated monstrous fat for me. I have fallen so far, blinded by the fake, numbered world of school. I don’t want to be like those people. I don’t only want to run to be on a team. I don’t only want friends that get me somewhere. I want to run to feel free. I want friends I love.

I got my best friends back.

Now, I just need to get my dreams back.