wishlist.

May 21, 2010

I need more money.

My summer has finally officially started and at 5:31AM, birds are chirping outside, but the only thing on my mind is how to fatten my bank account. Of course to top it off, I need to wake up early tomorrow morning so I can take BART and make it on time for work this week.

portraiture: canon EF 85L f/1.2 II USM
stock: canon EF 24-70L f/2.8 USM
sports: canon EF 70-200L f/2.8 IS II
macro: canon EF 100L f/2.8 IS USM
long range: canon EF 400L f/2.8 IS USM
canon EOS-1Ds Mark III …sigh.

Haha, who am I kidding? Really? These are for people that make a living off of photography. So unless I get super, amazingly awesome at photography - I’m going to buy only one L lens. And that’s only if I really, really, really need it. I hope. Yeah, just one. Don’t even get me started on flashes and all that little extra stuff that is going to make my pineapple (my current DSLR) a gundam.

~~500 days of summer blue-ray~~
gossip girl season 3
nine west snakeskin round toe pumps
bakers white braided ring sandals
bloomingdale’s white summer dress
32"+ HDTV
compact, external hard drive
copic markers (sets of 72)
tiffany & co.
burberry large embossed check tote bag
japanese futon
a treadmill
kawasaki ninja gtr 3000
nissan 350z electric blue
manhattan penthouse loft with high ceilings and at least three bedrooms, hardwood floors, large communal area, balcony, and security. ceiling to floor windows are also preferred.

to be continued…

SIGH.

There are some things in my life that I really need to get in order.
I’m super strange.
To be totally honest, I fucking love lists. To death. I don’t know what it is about making lists and checking things off - I think I just feel more e… — *There are some things in my life that I really need to get in order.*

I’m super strange.

To be totally honest, I fucking love lists. To death. I don’t know what it is about making lists and checking things off - I think I just feel more efficient and accomplished than I really am. Sometimes I am just an overly obsessive organizer. I plan my life from the clothes I will end up buying (hopefully) to the hobbies of my future children. They will be such **fast** runners.

Maybe that’s weird? And a lot of times my plans don’t work out the way I set them - that gets extremely frustrating. I throw tantrums and get completely baffled when my well thought out plans don’t follow through. I guess I was never really good at coming up with plan B’s. But that might also be a result of thinking too highly of my abilities, I am so cocky sometimes. I really need to fix that…I hope these next lists will not go unfinished.

To give up:

soda

fast food (in-n-out doesn’t count)

taco bell (;_;)

buying clothes

fancy dresses

souvenirs

buying text books (waste of $$)

oily foods!

cake and pie (O_O")

biting my nails

being mean to dede

facebooking everyday

To start:

marathon training

triathlon training

daily biking

daily ultimate frisbee practice

saving & investing money

throwing away useless things

minimalistic lifestyle

studying everyday

reading a book at least once a week

dieting & healthy food habits

I want to be a better person. And with all of the things I want to achieve, I just don’t have time to sit around and get fat - hell no! I need to start following the lists I create, however incredibly sick I am.

Shopaholic sweets sick.

(via teenagewildlife)

May 20, 2010

I haven’t laughed like this in a billion years.
When I moved out, I didn’t feel anything. I mean, I was moving again for the umpteenth time so it didn’t really make me depressed of anything. If I was angry or sad at all, it was bec… — *I haven’t laughed like this in a billion years.*

When I moved out, I didn’t feel anything. I mean, I was moving again for the umpteenth time so it didn’t really make me depressed of anything. If I was angry or sad at all, it was because papachu kicked me out the night before. But, I never really got homesick or yearned to come home. My brother invaded and took over my side of the room - I technically didn’t have a home anymore. But after months and months of suffocating, ever-competing schoolwork, I needed somewhere to relax.

It has been my first week back. And although I’ve been running back and forth from school to go to work, I still find comfort in my messy apartment. Maybe I like cleaning? Or having my own living room. But it’s probably because I can giggle the night away chatting with my best friend. We really do tell hilarious jokes. We are so funny. Then again, some people just make it so easy! I have busted out laughing so hard for the past few hours, my dad thinks I’m crazy. I probably am, for having locked up so much laughs this past year.

I’m glad I have someone to laugh with.

I never thought I would say this, but it is really, really good to be home.

(via imperfecttgirl)

May 19, 2010

spider.

May 16, 2010

My boyfriend is so manly.
cece:what are you doing?
mack :FUCK!@@!@@
mack :FUCK@!!
mack :1AHHH
mack :FUCKK
mack :THATAEJAOSDJASDO
mack :TAHT WAS SO NASTY
mack :I HAD TO KILL A SPIDER
mack :THAT LOOKED SOOOO NASTY
cece:.....HAHAHAHAHHA.
mack :FUCKK
mack :THAASOHDASDHASIO\
mack :im so grossed out right noqw

happy fifteenth anniversary.
Another yelp! adventure to Great China on Kittredge for their famous Peking Duck. I have to admit, shit was good. I kind of can’t believe we scarfed that whole thing - but we’re never going again. I went to t… — *happy fifteenth anniversary.*

Another yelp! adventure to Great China on Kittredge for their famous Peking Duck. I have to admit, shit was good. I kind of can’t believe we scarfed that whole thing - but we’re never going again. I went to the bathroom and as I left I noticed the sign, “Please leave the light on at all times”. I shut that shit off. We’re not going to a restaurant that ignorantly refuses to be sustainable! After dinner, was boba with the floor, and then another night of partying at the paphi house. (I didn’t throw up this time) Blondie’s for a late night snack and a good night’s sleep before the moving began Sunday.

So now we’re up to a year and three months, bickering and annoyed of each others’ company. We’ve bitched, fought, and yelled. I hate your haircut and you always forget to shower. You’re too dark and not very organized. And god, your handwriting is so ugly! We’ve had so many fights this past year or so…

But it wasn’t without smiles. There have been lots of good memories and lots of romantic dates. Lot of corny love letters and lots of humongous gifts. Lot of concerts and many trips. I don’t think I know any other couple our age that has gone all over the world like we have. I guess that’s something to hold dear, isn’t it? you’re something I have to hold dear, aren’t you?

Hong Kong, Japan, Florida, New York. We’ll be adding a bit to that this summer: Nevada, Hawaii, Seattle. We usually don’t plan things out until last minute, but it always seems to work better that way. Who knows? Maybe out of the blue we’ll end up in other places. That’s one thing I have to love. You’re one thing I have to love.

Happy anniversary, **cookie**. HAHAHAHA.

helloworldsmile:

**A Smile for my 1221st Follower, taneep**

May 14, 2010

I am currently studying my ass off for organic chemistry final tomorrow morning.
After hours of reviewing notes and watching chemguy on youtube, it’s getting increasingly difficult to not reach for my Tokyo guide book or my Money Smart Women m… — *I am currently studying my ass off for organic chemistry final tomorrow morning.*

After hours of reviewing notes and watching chemguy on youtube, it’s getting increasingly difficult to not reach for my Tokyo guide book or my Money Smart Women manual. Japan has definitely been on my mind these past few days and I guess that is reasonable since I will be going abroad in half a year.

Although I am an entire hour and a half from the bustling wonders of Tokyo itself, suburban areas always suited me better. I want a little bit of the quiet life, with the choice of throwing myself into chaos when every weekend rolls around. I will be studying near Mt. Fuji for eight, whole months and I cannot wait for the things I want to do!

And all of this has to wait until after organic chemistry…

But, I do need a little break. I mean, it’s only a quick fifteen minute tumblr post for the day. And thankfully, the weather back home is beautiful. Sunny, clear, and slightly windy - it’s the perfect weather to run if my classes didn’t get in the way.

After my test tomorrow, I will be free.

Well, figuratively. I will be working full time at work for the next two weeks. Meaning a full eight hours a day for the next three weeks. Why, you ask? I need to save money quickly because I yearn to do things last minute. No planning, no questions asked - I just want to pack up and go where my heart pleases. With money, I can afford my own freedom.

My impulsive and rash nature is really starting to cost me. For all those day I shut myself into my office to work and plump up my piggy bank, I really do sacrifice my desires to be able to afford spontaneity later. Does that even make sense? To give up my freedom only to just push it until later? I think I’m confused with why I am so desperate for money. It must be all these personal finance books I have been reading…

The truth is, you can’t live check by check.

I really hated learning that, but on sunny days like today I can still find room to smile. It must be all the good food I have been yelping or maybe the joy in training for the nike women’s marathon? Or maybe it’s my boyfriend asleep on the sofa.If there’s one thing I love about living so close to home, it’s that I always have someone to hold onto.

So I can still smile, even when I sacrifice.

I haven’t lost my spunk yet.

World, I will do what I want.

helloworldsmile:

**A Smile for my 1261st Follower, todaywasafairytale-**

May 11, 2010

Smile.
What a strange thought…
As I near the end of my first year of college, I have to say it came really quickly. But when I look back at these last painfully difficult and lonely months I can’t say I did all that I thought I was goin… — *Smile.*

What a strange thought…

As I near the end of my first year of college, I have to say it came really quickly. But when I look back at these last painfully difficult and lonely months I can’t say I did all that I thought I was going to achieve.

Yeah, okay. I got a job. A good job. I joined a club team. A club team that I love by the way. I made plenty of friends. What do those things really matter if you can’t tell if they are genuine or not? I feel like I didn’t get enough socially from college. But I might be asking too much…I’m not really looking to party every other day, but going to class alone and coming home from school alone gets incredibly lonely at times. Then again, I restricted myself by deciding to not go into my freshman year single.

It shouldn’t really be a huge difference right? But somehow, I feel as if I would have definitely been more free if I had not had this boy attached to me. At this moment, I regret it a little. I should have stopped it while I could. That was a little too harsh - I’m not unhappy, but I feel as if I imprisoned my own free will and set myself up for a lot of disappointment.

It’s not easy to get into Berkeley, or so I hear. I wouldn’t be able to tell, I truly think I got in with my essay because I am a million times less qualified than all of the geniuses I go to school with. I guess I should have expected it to be impossible for someone to try and get in for my sake. I guess I should have expected that it wouldn’t happen.

Amidst forty thousand people, school still gets lonely at times. I don’t think a lot of people understand why this school stands above the rest. I don’t think a lot of people understand that it’s not just the multitudes of Asians and hours of studying that make up Berkeley. No. It’s the fact that we would kill each other to gain a higher ranking. The fact that we need to compete with each other for everything from bathrooms to sports teams. Want to know a secret? Don’t have your life fuck up around midterm and final season. Nobody will help you. Not here, not ever.

I guess Berkeley is hard to get into, because it’s a school based on survival of the fittest. I remember sighing when I got my acceptance letter. I smiled when I bought my first Cal sweater and I laughed while onstage for my graduation.

Smile? What a strange thought.

helloworldsmile:

**A Smile for my 916th Follower, lauurrreeeen**

May 10, 2010

Chanel Iman.
She’s tall, she’s cute, she’s perky. I guess it helps that she is also a mix of a bunch of bloods. She is a monstrous 5'11" at only nineteen. I love seeing her in Victoria’s Secret advertisements. My all-tim… — *Chanel Iman.*

She’s tall, she’s cute, she’s perky. I guess it helps that she is also a mix of a bunch of bloods. She is a monstrous 5'11" at only nineteen. I love seeing her in Victoria’s Secret advertisements. My all-time favorite model. But that isn’t really the point of this post; the real point is just models in general. When someone asks you to be their model, it’s flattering isn’t it? It makes you feel pretty, doesn’t it? It means something. If it doesn’t, it should.

As an artist and beginning photographer (actually, I probably shouldn’t even call myself that), I can speak for myself when I say I don’t just pick anybody to be my muse. I don’t just choose any random person to be my model. So what do you think it means when I ask you to be mine? All mine? I’m saying, even though I don’t go through with it, I chose you. And you are probably pretty enough to be the focus of my art. The interest of my creativity. No matter how disgusting I think you are on the inside.

So if for some reason, I hurt someone for not choosing them. I won’t lie. I won’t run away, because it’s true. You’re not my model. You didn’t make the cut. You don’t fit my image, you’re not pretty enough. You’re not good enough. And that’s the cold, hard truth. That you will never be good enough. I gave that role to someone else.

Then what happens if you’re on the other end? You get the short end of the stick. What happens if the only person you want to inspire already chose someone else? Someone you cared to put yourself out there for, fucking chose another girl. Why? Because she was prettier, she made the cut. Because she is already *all theirs*. That biting pain of not being chosen is just the beginning. You have to deal with the fact that when they say “all mine”, it doesn’t apply to you. And it will never apply to you. As if that wasn’t enough, whatever was left of your self-esteem gets crushed because they tell you, “you can’t be my model, I already told someone else that they were mine. I can’t say it again. I won’t repeat it.” You can’t even be second best, or third, or last.

But wait, there’s more.

They start feeling sorry for you. And out of the cheerfully, good wills of their saint-like hearts, they offer to dress you. But you know whatever pride you have left won’t allow that. Why not? Because you know that artists dress their models. They love to dress their models - that’s the whole purpose of the piece, right? That person you wanted to impress already told their girl they wanted to dress them. They were eager to dress them. Their “mine” girl. Not you.

Sorry, you are not my model.

Never you.

May 09, 2010

I’m in love with the beach.
There are really only two things on my mind right now, punishment for those who have wronged me and vacation around the world this summer. Really opposite topics, right? Although what I should really be thinking abo… — *I’m in love with the beach.*

There are really only two things on my mind right now, punishment for those who have wronged me and vacation around the world this summer. Really opposite topics, right? Although what I should really be thinking about is organic chemistry and environmental science, all I really can think about is what makes me happy and what makes me angry. Or sad, on that note.

There are some people in this world who should really rethink their morals. Maybe the idiot who cheated on his girlfriend. The slut who had sex with her best friend’s guy. The parent who abused his child. The mother who abandoned her kids. The asshole who got drunk and beat his girlfriend. Or the girl who decided she would fuck up her life with that small little pill.

Maybe I’m not one to talk. As a child I have made my parents cry, by saying things they’ve never wanted to hear. I’ve bullied my brother into losing all of his self-esteem. I abused my dog. I have put my own best friends down. So is it okay for me to preach? Is it okay for anyone?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s not. Maybe I shouldn’t be so bent on revenge and punishment, but there are some people who really need to tell it to my face when they fuck up. There are those people who need to take responsibility for their immoral actions. It’s not that I’m a goody-two-shoes or anything like that. Oh hell no. I don’t only give love to the angels from heaven. You’re a bitch? Fine. A manwhore? Great. But as long as you are honest about your faults, I will never leave you. I will not turn my back on those who tell the truth.

So then, what about the liars, the fakes, the two-faced? There’s this girl that said she was my friend, but she tried to steal something important from me. There’s this guy that said he was my buddy, but he lied to my face and back stabbed me. The funny thing is, they both refused to face their consequences thinking I wouldn’t find out. Well, I did. And you both will be punished until I get over this.

My best friend told me once that she admired my forgiveness. Not to disappoint her, but that forgiveness isn’t granted to just anyone. There are only a handful of people in this world that I believe deserve my forgiveness. To be honest, I am a jealous, spiteful, vengeful bitch. I hold grudges for years. I remember every last detail to the night you let something slip. I remember every rumor, every trash talk, every bully. I remember every lie. Every fucking lie.

Finals are only a weekend away and all I can think about are the things I would be able to do once I get out. Once I am free from these stressful school days.

I want to go to the beach.

May 08, 2010

“I’m becoming self destructive. I might just explode.”

— My Conscious

May 07, 2010

I like the cute and the creepy.
Although I am usually inspired by the bright and vibrant, the other side of the spectrum also attracts me.
So things like gothic cathedrals and frilly, olden victorian dresses are really fantasies of mine. Of course, … — *I like the cute and the creepy.*

Although I am usually inspired by the bright and vibrant, the other side of the spectrum also attracts me.

So things like gothic cathedrals and frilly, olden victorian dresses are really fantasies of mine. Of course, I couldn’t live in the life of one of Tim Burton’s long legged characters, but it doesn’t hurt to dream. Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands. I could only pray to create artistic direction and characterizations like that. I could only hope to bring such intricate illustrations to life.

I love this freaking bed. I don’t usually like posting pictures of random pieces of furniture, but this piece was an exception. It just looks so fucking awesome. Not to mention, I could be sleeping caressed by trees and nature. The gas lamps also add a nice, ethereal touch. It’s cute, it’s creepy.

Maybe it’s this other side of me that’s reaching out toward these horrifically beautiful things. For someone like me, who is constantly on her toes to be that happy, sunny, bubbly energizer bunny, this is my escape. My darkness, my illusion, my pessimistic indulgence. You can’t always put on that glowing smile or watery laugh. With ups, there are always downs.

So many downs.

I want to live the life of a fucking artist.

bitchville:

Dreams floating about my bed by http://juliahepburn.blogspot.com/

May 04, 2010

Lily Cole.
You are my new favorite face. Watching The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus was definitely an experience. A strange, insane world of fantasy and illusion - I love movies like that. Not to say that Parnassus was very good, in fact it is probab… — *Lily Cole.*

You are my new favorite face. Watching The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus was definitely an experience. A strange, insane world of fantasy and illusion - I love movies like that. Not to say that Parnassus was very good, in fact it is probably an Alice in the Wonderland wannabe. A sad comparison to Avatar, even though it was Heath ledger’s last movie. It would have been fifty times better if we had watched it high, but then again we felt like we were high just watching it.

“My head’s going to explode”

That made me laugh. I would have laughed harder if my head didn’t explode itself. But, I got something good out of the movie. I got to meet Lily Cole, who played the role of Valentina in the movie. She is round, she is cute, and yet, she still has sex appeal. Lily Cole is someone that would fit the role of fairy tales perfectly.

And for someone like me who lives off the creativity and imaginations of fairy tales, she is my perfect model.

God damn, I want to take photographs of her.

(This is a side note, but I turned my INNOCENCE portfolio in, I was proud of it, but I know I could have done better. But then again, I always think I can do better. Nonetheless, my teacher and classmates deemed it decent, but next time I want a more proclaiming statement)

May 04, 2010

This is why I want to save the world.
Sometimes it gets increasingly harder to remember just what the hell I am doing. And what I am doing it for. Yeah, okay I want to study environmental science. Yes, I love nature and wouldn’t mind living in… — *This is why I want to save the world.*

Sometimes it gets increasingly harder to remember just what the hell I am doing. And what I am doing it for. Yeah, okay I want to study environmental science. Yes, I love nature and wouldn’t mind living in a tree. Hiking and biking? Bring it on. I know what I want to do, I want to save the world. But sometimes it’s just not that easy. Despite already choosing my path for life, I keep thinking about the biggest corruption to mankind - money.

After getting my own source of income and getting that taste of watching my savings grow, I’ve been getting increasingly frugal and sensitive to considering money matters. I think carefully if I need something and I hold myself back to buying something until I find a deal online. Yesterday, I spent the night at Yumi Yogurt reading tips on personal finance. It was interesting and I learned so fucking much, but why the hell was I investing so much time in something like that when I could have been studying for finals? And my environmental science final, at that.

I haven’t been spending much, what the fuck is up with that? I spend so much. I spend a lot - so where did that spontaneity go? Maybe that’s too extreme. I should watch my wallet, but I don’t want to lose the part of me that lives for the moment, that goes for things on a whim. I don’t want to lose the part of me that loves to live through life’s difficult obstacles.

What happened to the me that despised pre-determined choices? The me that hated controlled lives? The me that always wanted a choice. Is saving the world my choice? Or my pre-determined prison I chose for myself?

For a decade, I have lost my childhood.

I don’t want money to make me lose myself too.

happythings:

inspiri: quote-book: (submitted by powerofblindfaith)

May 03, 2010

Not that it really matters.
But it kind of annoys me when people watermark and signature art pieces that shouldn’t be worth anything. I guess I picked this up from my cousin, Eugenia. She is an amazing artist in all aspects: graphics, photogra… — *Not that it really matters.*

But it kind of annoys me when people watermark and signature art pieces that shouldn’t be worth anything. I guess I picked this up from my cousin, Eugenia. She is an amazing artist in all aspects: graphics, photography, painting, sketching, drawing, designing, even videos and flash. And yet, she still refuses to paste that generic icon so many “artists” seem to plaster onto their “masterpieces”.

You don’t sign anything until you are good enough.

And that’s a fucking fact.

May 01, 2010

Life isn’t always easy.
Life isn’t always fair.
Life may not be so nice.
But that’s only if you care.

You’re not the only one with problems.
You’re not the only bitch with pride.
You’re not the only fucked up kid… — Life isn’t always easy.

Life isn’t always fair.

Life may not be so nice.

But that’s only if you care.

You’re not the only one with problems.

You’re not the only bitch with pride.

You’re not the only fucked up kid.

With no one at your side.

So stop crying in your corner.

And stop moping tear by tear.

Pick yourself up out of hell,

Before you fall too deep in despair.

April 30, 2010

04.29.10 18:45

Kai Proschan gets his first piercing.

I should have posted this earlier, but I guess a lot of spontaneity has been rushing my brain this week.

Honestly, I was getting a little jittery when kai texted me all of a sudden, saying he w… — 04.29.10 18:45

Kai Proschan gets his first piercing.

I should have posted this earlier, but I guess a lot of spontaneity has been rushing my brain this week.

Honestly, I was getting a little jittery when kai texted me all of a sudden, saying he wanted to go to Industrial. I liked that last minute rush and the thought of doing something out of the blue, not caring what anyone says or thinks.

Lysa was flipping scary the first time we met her, but then again you can’t really judge a book by it’s cover - or how many piercings it has on it’s face. Lysa turned out to be a super hippie that kai and me laughed with through our entire “bone-crushing” moment. Seriously, we laughed our asses off and I’ve learned a lot more about food and documentaries.

As long as I have been punching holes in my puny, scrunchy, (Lysa called them ‘donuts’) ears, I was really relieved to have been able to hold kai’s hand. Hope I didn’t grab you too tight! It pinched a little, and Lysa had to change my bar right afterwards. It was $80 bucks. Eighty god damn bucks.

But it was worth it. I mean hey, I match with freaking kai proschan.

My best friend is going to be a legend.

No matter what anyone says about his piercing.

April 29, 2010

On more bad ideas.

April 28, 2010

WORD.

Maybe I shouldn’t be pasting this all over the web, but tumblr is somewhat my diary and rant-book.

My mother had an abortion once. It was soon after my younger brother that she rushed to the hospital with her best friend Julie to get a suction cup attached to her abdomen. My second baby brother was killed with a fucking vacuum cleaner. To make matters worse, my younger brother was already an accident - this has come to scar him for the rest of his childhood. Not that we really had a childhood anyways. I lost a family member because my parents were fucking retarded. Scratch that. Are fucking retarded. And as much as I love them, it is in this area that I can never forgive them.

Just like I will never forgive my mother for leaving me to fend for myself.

So many people these days have been coming to me worried about pregnancy and accidents. When I ask why should they be worried if they used a condom? They didn’t. And I tell them the entire process of taking plan b, waiting for your body to freak out, calmly looking for your first period, getting blood tested at the college hospital. Which is fine, I’ll give you that service for free. But when you come asking me a second time around what to do because you did the same thing again? I’m going to get angry because I worry and I freak out. Don’t be a fucking idiot and just either:

a. get on birth control

b. use a condom

c. prepare to fucking kill a child through abortion

You shit heads, come on?! If I get one more worried text that you got pregnant because you decided to get smart and not use a condom, relying on the “pull-out” method that gives full responsibility to the boy to not only no pre-cum (which they can’t control) but hold it in also.

You better be prepared to pay that abortion bill, because I hope your baby daddy leaves. You don’t deserve to be a mother, we have enough fucked up kids in the world.

dearcoketalk:

My girlfriend and I just started having sex. She swears against condoms, and just tells me to use the pull-out method. I have good stamina, and haven’t “blown it” pre-maturely. Nor do I think I will.

I’m quite conflicted. It feels much better without protection, but I’d feel more at peace if I was using it.

Do you have experience in this department? Am I worrying too much? What should I tell her?

Do me a favor and name your first abortion after me.

Fucking morons.

I haven’t updated in a while, but here’s another green statement.
I recently did my extra credit for my environmental science class and as cheesy as it turned out to be, I was honest. I added just tad bit more of corny.
How has ES10 chan… — *I haven’t updated in a while, but here’s another **green** statement.*

I recently did my extra credit for my environmental science class and as cheesy as it turned out to be, I was honest. I added just tad bit more of corny.

How has ES10 changed your thinking about the environment?
Will you change your lifestyle at all?
Has ES10 affected your choice of major or career?
If your perspective on any of these has changed, please explain how.

Although I have already planned to be an environmental science major, I didn’t realize how little I knew about environmental issues. Sure, I was advocating green practice and sustainability, but did I really know what the problems with the world really were? ES 10 really helped open my eyes to the specific issues we face as a globe today, as well as how vital solutions are to our future as a species. I figured we were in trouble, but I never thought it was as bad as what I have learned. I never thought we had dug ourselves a crater of a hole. Taking this introductory class cemented my decision in choosing my major and life path. With all of these problems plaguing out environment today, I am even more passionate in searching for solutions to climate change and global warming. I lived sustainably before, but now I feel as if there can never be enough to be done. I could ride my bike and give up my car, I could use the stairs to get up to my dorm, I could turn off the lights to every bathroom I leave, I could make more of a difference. There is so much more to this science that I can learn, that I *need* to learn. I chose this major with the hopes of saving trees and animals, but now I want to learn how to save the world. It’s not just about tree-sitting and protesting anymore, it’s about the planet.

That’s not the only point of this post though. I know I have probably blogged about this before, but I feel like the plans I make for myself chain me to my decisions. I love the environment, yes. I love trees more than people, yes. But do I really still want to sign myself off to this major? It will most likely determine my jobs int he future and what I will be doing for the rest of my life. I should have known. The Environmental Protection Agency probably wouldn’t pay much, graduate school would be ridiculously expensive, and I still want to live fabulously wealthy.

But I don’t think I want to do anything that just makes money. That has a little less purpose than I was aiming to do with my life. I keep going back to thinking about living the life of an artist. The life of a photographer. The life of freedom. I keep thinking about the art teachers I have had and how they always praised me for having talent despite drawing crappier than older students in the school. Can I believe their words? Than I am talented in this craft and people better than me could be people that have learned it longer?

Then what is talent if you can learn it?
What is passion if you can’t pay for it?

Why is life so fucking hard?

I wish we could just recycle everything.

shnelll:

Environmental Impact of Computing / iamgreen

April 27, 2010

“Forget the risk and take the fall. If it’s meant to be then it’s worth it all.”

— Jae Hoon Choi

April 22, 2010

mother.

April 16, 2010

This was my third blog post for english class.
Yes, I also turned this in. Just as it is.

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Ceremony.

Where do I even begin? From the insane hallucinations to the dusty world of Tayo’s dreams, there is so much to write about. The first ten pages of the reading really stuck to my memory. Why? Because it is impossible for any breathing person to not feel compassion for the children who must scrounge for food from their own “mother”. It was impossible for me not to feel depressed and angry for the children who had to fend for themselves and learn all the evils of the world before they could stand on their own two feet.

When I read the excerpts of the lives of those starving children, I can’t help but be enraged. When we think “mother” in our society, she is a woman who nurtures, cares, and cherishes. Our mother is one that gave birth to us and does everything in her power to ensure our happiness. She feeds, she teaches, she loves. So what right does this prostitute have in bearing children? Mothers should be responsible for their young, because they brought them into the world. This dark, dreary, corrupted world. Sex, prostitution, starvation, degradation. Honestly, that child would have been better off dead than to endure all this bullshit. Although it is still unclear who the desperate, crying child is, I myself think that it is Tayo. Tayo, the half-breed with the shameful, whore of a mother who left her accident on her caustic sister’s doorstep.

Tayo’s mother has given Tayo nothing but grief. Can you imagine going through life always searching for approval of existence? For the recognition and pride you will never truly achieve. All because your mother decided she was gonna be a bitch and have a child that would never find peace with himself. His half-breed blood ostracized him from all corners of humanity - he wasn’t white and he betrayed the Indian. Tayo was not only left without a world to fit into, he had to always yearn and wait for his mother, his god damn poor excuse for a mother. Always waiting and waiting for food, whether it be for the “belly” or the soul.

I have to say, I am surprised Silko has such negative connotations of women in her writing. Although female writers aren’t required to write about women in a better light, in our readings so far, that has been the case. In Ceremony, however, we are introduced to some of the worst characterizations of women in all of Indian autobiography.

It makes you wonder, why?

Should mothers be allowed to have a child, if they know it will live miserable lives?
Would killing a child leave it happier than if it were to be alive in this situation?
Why does Silko have such negative female figures as opposed to Zitkala-Sa and Winnemuca?