I’m getting really horrible with posting..
No wonder why my emotions and thoughts are getting crammed up and overbearing.
I have been so stressed out and anal lately, I just keep getting angry. But that might be because I do not like to eat onions, which are supposed to make you less angry. With championships, parties, and the end of applications coming up, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find time for myself to just sit and evaluate my goals.
Anyways, I found out a lot of things about my little flower. I hate to admit it, but I’ve been overlooking and unappreciating. Even though I maybe angry and unhappy, it is much worse not having that person near with me. There are just some things and some people in life that cannot be replaced, no matter how much you lie to yourself thinking they can. Kind of opposite to Beyonce’s Irreplaceable. So as of now, there are three people that are irreplaceable to me, ten people that I would absolutely hate to lose, and a million people I would prefer staying friendly with, but my life would not change without them.
Sometimes when I prioritize my life, I am shocked to find out who is at the top, and who is not. Maybe it’s just me, but boyfriends, girlfriends, and itfriends do not usually come first. While friends leave footsteps and even kisses in the heart, whatever-friends just occupy a part of your life that could easily be forgotten. Maybe I have not found that person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe I have not loved yet. Maybe I never will. Because I have already given all of my love to those three people, I have none left for the rest of the world. There are those people that change and define your life. The others are just witnesses to your story.
I feel like I am finally growing up and starting to understand myself.
My story is just beginning.
It is still unwritten.
But, I better get married :)
homecoming.
Homecoming!
So though I am writing this the sunday after I will make it the saturday post. I made a lot of memories, and I got to know someone that I thought would always just be a simple friend. Not a best friend, not a buddy, not family, just a friend. But after last night I realized he can really be someone I want to get close to (like friend-wise of course). And I guess it helps that I had a crazy fun time with him as my date :)
Crss-Country CCS! was dissappointing, but compared to my epic failure last year, I am much more satisfied with my last race of high school. After four years of tears, sweat, and blood, I am glad I got to spend my final day as a senior runner at Toro Park, Salinas. Honestly, I was a little angry at the beginning of the race, because my teammates left us out of their car and left us with the loud ass freshmen (who did not really let me sleep). I even left them for warmup adn drills. Wow. I really need to grow up some more. (I’m trying though) But though I complain about doing worse because of their off tune singing, it actually did not really change anything. There are no excuses when you step on the line. Whether it be a cold, a sprained ankle, or even a missing shoe you have to get to that finish chute as fast as you can. There is no “groin injury” or “bronchitis” there is just the course, you, your strength, and your heart. If you really wanted it, you could die for it. I do not know if I was that extreme, but I was ready to accept the consequences of running that race. Even if my stupid leg had broken, I wanted to step into that faraway chute. It still sucks that all the friends I have made these four years are totally fast, but I have the rest of my life to prove to myself and to the world what I can do. Nothing stops here, especially if I do not want it to. I will definitely miss this team that I can call my family. Especially when my own is a poor excuse for one.
I do not want Audrey on my team. And William can shut up. It IS my fucking team. My effing family, my friends, my life. That track is my world, and I do not want her stuck up, pussy ass, demented legs on it. I will not let Audrey deteriorate it. I will break her before she corrupts it. In this, I know I will not grow up. I have matured, but just for this one thing, I will be a child for. And I do not care how messed up I am. For my world, I will do anything.
But, I have not really even talked about Homecoming yet.
I went to Yumi after we got back and I chilled with Mack. He had me run to McDonald’s to get change, and because I was a girl I was totally able to get all of it from the people at McDonald’s without buying anything. So we talked for a bit, and I got another free ice cream (: Then Nikki came over, we got ready for two hours, and she left for cameron’s house. I went to drop off dede at school, and then to Mack’s. It was pretty funny when he got into the driver’s seat because I usually drive close to the wheel and he was a lot taller. We picked up alex, then went to adrie’s house (FUCKING WEIRD) and picked up trisha. Honestly, trisha is a bit annoying because she acts like she is all innocent and super sweet. I said cammi and adrie kind of hate each other and she starts whining to me, “ Noooo. Don’t say that… I don’t like it when people doo thatt.” Wtf? You don’t even know the story girl! But she was still cute in her dress, just annoying. Then we ate at zen bistro, which was a pretty cool place and Julia Lee was our server. Mack whispered “She lost hella weight” and I cracked up at that. So I guess Zen Bistro was a japanese place because we had sushi, but it was really good. We also got..“Better than sex”. Ahahah What the fuck right? It was like spicy sashimi stuff, and I tried it. I still do not like sashimi. The line for Homecoming was CRAZY long. WOW, it took us like forty minutes just to get in the door. Then the boys’ pockets were checked. Stupid Mack forgot his lighter and had to hide it.. somewhere? Pictures took another half an hour at least, but I’m pretty happy with my pictures (I think?) Cammi was freaking hella hot, and I got pissed a little. But only for like a few minutes. I was pretty jealous of Ronald for having such a hot date (that was kind of supposed to be MY hot date) Mack is pretty cute :) He is officially cool enough to be my buddy. Dancing was FUNN! I did not think I would have been staying with Mack all night though, so that was a little weird. When we started dancing he even asked if it was awkward. Like what? That would just make it more awkward and I thought about backing out for a split second. Jeezus, guys are idiots. AND DEDE FUCKING SAW ME. He will not shut up about my dirty dancing, but it was worth it. Hella fun. Ahhhhh!! I better not fall in love with clubs. And Mack Siu. Ahaha just kidding. I think? Alex was a freaking good dancer, so he got brownie points for that. Ahaha good dancers = hot. We went to In-N-Out after and then to Michael Chiu’s house after dropping off Alex. Then.. I went over Mack’s house. His dad was still awake, but I have not seen him in a while so we talked a bit. Pretty cool parents. I remember wehn I used to go over all the time during spring break last year. I miss Jun and Emi :( We talked for like.. EVER. We talked about everything! And I learned alot of things. About him and about me. I went home around 2AM, but my dad did not really say anything, so that was cool. He finally knows I am not a party girl and am growing up :) Until Dede tells him I do not care what I do with Cammi on the dance floor…
And after all that, is the end to my saturday.
After talking, I want to believe that no matter what happens I will end up with the person I am supposed to be with. I will end up with the person that I love the most, and should be with. I want to change the way I do things. I only want to go out with people I really like a lot - not just want to try dating. And I guess it does not really matter if he/she is white or asian or whatever. I want to find this love :) because I know I have not found it yet. And I learned that I really hate it when people talk about getting married… I have the rest of my life to live; I am not getting tied down. When college rolls around, I am sure that I would want to try and find that person to settle down with, that person to love.
By the way, Mack is crazy charming. Like what the hell! Do not make me fall in love with you! I really need to be more picky and critical. I want to date everybody! Girls and guys alike. Friends and people I do not even know alike. I want to go to college!
my birthday.
It’s been a while, but happy birthday to me.
I was pretty shocked, not to mention touched, by how many birthday wishes I got from people. It really made my heart grow 3 sizes too big :) It was a little hard trying to read all the facebook messages, but I will sort them out, read everyone, adn thank every person. All their pieces added to my puzzle of happiness~
Kai’s cake is incredible.
I can’t help but eat it, but I know I have a meet on Thursday so the other half will have to wait for a few more weeks :(
Though I’ve already eaten the first 2 layers and ¼ of the last…
ahaha. Oh, my.
Will add more later :)
kai
Today is kai’s birthday :)
Happy 17th birthday dear kai.
~may you be happy for this year~
love you.
more than you know.
KAI.
I always worry,
I sometimes cry.
I don’t want to say sorry,
Don’t want to say goodbye.
Our memories, our tears
Our laughs and joy.
My sad and fun times,
With my favorite boy.
My best friend you’ll be,
For the rest of eternity.
It’s you and me,
There no doubt about that.
I’ll fight for you,
And I will fight nat.
And though we lie,
And make pretend.
I can honestly say…
That you are my friend.
As colleges start picking,
and time is finally ticking.
Our happy school days will come to a close,
As for the future? Nobody knows.
Who will stay? And who will go?
But I have faith, that our friendship will last.
Kai chan will never become part of my past.
You are just, and you are pure.
You are cute, and can endure.
You make me smile :)
You give me hope.
I can go the mile,
I can not mope.
Because you were there by my side,
I had nothing to fear, nothing to hide.
I love you a lot.
I’ll miss you so much.
In my heart is your spot,
so please keep in touch.
I’ll always be there,
For you and your fears.
I’ll always care,
So dry your wet tears.
And though I cry,
And maybe weep.
I won’t say goodbye.
Because you’ll be in my sleep.
charice pempengco
This, is true passion.
This, is true power.
This, is true harmony.
OH EHM EFF GEE.
Another wonderful singer to add to my list of top angels.
1. Leona Lewis
2. Whiteney Houston
3. Mariah Carey
4. Celine Dion
5. Christina Aguilera
6. CHARICE PEMPENGCO!
Wonderful :) Simply wonderful
ying.
I have a pen
My pen is pink
I have a friend
She’s all I think
About and today is her day
To be happy, not blue
So smile, my friend
That girl is you!
Happy seventeenth, dear of mine
You’re the bestest friend I ever did find
Giggle and shout
That’s what a bdays all about!
frustration.
College applicationss are fustrating me. My parents are crazy and nagging me to hell, while the effing counselor we hired isn’t exactly doing anything either. I still haven’t turned in all my folders to the teachers, despite working on them for weeks now, and my shin is starting to bother me - which sucks because I have not really been injured and this would be the worst year for me to start getting injuries. I’m starting to get behind on homework, and people from clubs all want T-shirt designs. I have yet to finish the senior class and the key club shirt. EFFING AQUA/ALBINO APES.
At least I can look forward to my oh-so-happy-best-buddies, who by the way are probably too tired or too moody to smile these days. My new backpack, Gossip Girl, and Choo Choo are probably the onyl things keeping me from blowing up at my family (who kind of suck right now by the way).
OH EHM GEE. I want my boy back. :(
bye bye.
So for the second time in these seven years, goodbye. Have fun wherever you are, and smile :)
The first day hurt, but I think I’ll be okay; I’m stronger than that right? No more tears.
Mariah Carey is really good at singing (though I still like Leona :) and her “bye bye” song is pretty good, but kind of sad.
today.
Wow. I’m really writing a lot. Like my emotions are spilling out and each event is becoming an educated excerpt. I really need to chill out, because being serious and mature is not really what I do.
I need more friends like Kim –“
Stupid. Quirky. Chill. Crazy. Funny. Honest (I think?). Did I mention chill?
Though I know this can be read…
I’m not going to go and delete my mean or rant posts - because I felt that way at the time. And…
I think that’s okay.
I’m going to try this new thing because I would much rather be honest and open about my feelings and have them be read and dealt with, than to be a coward who hides behind fake smiles.
So if I’m pissed. You better effing ask about it. No more stupid prolonged drama. I’ll get what I want to say off my chest - and you yours. We can depend on each other at least that much, right?
let’s define friendship once more.
dearcam.
You transpose all my morales, all my beliefs, all my opinions. Sometimes you hurt, reject, and insult me. You are a narcissist and conceited to no end. You point out my faults and yet..
I can accept you.
I can love you.
I can confide in you.
Because you, unlike so many, have given me truth. You have given honesty, and you have given me faith.
So in that sense of friendship,
you are perfect.
Need a note holder.
CAEMEE (1:11:20 AM): i found a really good website for clothes
CAEMEE (1:11:22 AM): asos.com
CAEMEE (1:11:24 AM): and for dresses
CAEMEE (1:11:29 AM): chickdowntown.com
faulty friendships: three.
Today I had finally gotten my confessions spoken, my issues resolved. Keeping emotions bottled up is the absolute worst way to continue living.
My relationship was falling apart, dying at the roots. Our once strong, comfortable bond became a catastrophe in as few as two months. Withering, friendship seemed to disappear and communion was just as rare. (that rhymed) Strained, friendship battled pride, depression, and competition.
Though slowly, our journey back to the love we once had is being rebuilt. The task is difficult, but like our natures, we will not give up.
At least, I definitely will not.
And though forgiven, I am still plagued.
These past few days have got me thinking.
What is honesty to people in this era?
What is honesty to friendship?
For me, friends need trust and truth. A relationship is failure without honesty. I rarely have kept anything from those closest to me, yet I feel I do not receive the same satisfaction. I am being selfish - it is not that I need to know, I just do not appreciate lies and deceptions.
My thoughts have been analyzed, my mind torn open, my heart read. My stupidity analyzed, my confessions detested. For being honest, I had to suffer. My pains and rants were exposed; yet, they hid the truth - in denial of their own breaches of privacy.
Why is it that today friendship is regarded so insignificantly? “I love you” holds no more meaning, “Best Friend” holds no more truth. In fact, everything holds no more truth. The world is propelled by faults, lies, and rumors. Relationships are alliances, and love is war.
It it like the only person we can truly trust - is ourselves. In such a corrupted world, true friendship is simply a myth. I want a friend who could be faithful, true, and dependable. Someone I would never doubt, never question, and never live without. I must ask myself: do I hold these kinds of friends? Friends that can cope with honesty - mine and theirs?
What is honesty?
It is friendship.
faulty friendships: two.
I do not understand.
I do not understand at all.
Why is it that all the people I believe to be good, are never what they seem? I was your friend - one of few, yet you make no apparent effort to be the same for me.
I had even defended you against one of my loves, and to what avail? Nothing. I feel as if I had been used by your plastic falsehood - your fake smiles and truthless words.
You are not the girl I had grown fond of those three years ago. She is gone, lost among the folds you wished away, and suffocated by the colors plastered onto your face. You destroyed that good-natured girl and for what? To become a popular barbie doll? Honestly, I must confess: that goal is completely reversed. The truth? You are hated, despised, detested.
But, I do not hate you.
I fear for you.
If you will not make the same effort to be a friend, I have no more need for your love - it can be given to another.
I have but some good advice.
Good luck with the Queen.
faulty friendships: one.
“I wouldn’t pick either of you…”
She whispered so quietly, I was not sure I had heard right. This sweet girl that I had known for almost a decade strained her plea- but the fact was, we both knew it was lie.
“You would choose him.”
She would choose him. In the past. Now. And forever. That dismal truth made my heart fall. This girl, who I had labeled my best friend since I remember, dissappointed me. For her, I would do anything in a heartbeat; even if that something meant opposing my own love. For her, I would give all I had and the world, but she could not and will never be able to do the same. There he will always be, standing in our way.
Maybe it’s my strong opinions and morales. Maybe it’s my idealistic and optimistic nature. Maybe I just want to see the best in people, and hope they hold the same strong values I possess.
But it is not the case, and I do not take disappointment very well at all. This “best friend” would not sacrifice the same I would for her, because she relies too heavily on him. Though small, in this her fatal flaw of dependency and weakness I cannot respect. Why is it that I am never first? For someone who I had thought would always have my back, whether I be wrong, or even mistaken, would falter in my time of need.
You wouldn’t choose either of us?
We are “equal”?
Then what am I to you?
…And what will you be to me?
his rules.
#1. don’t grow up
#2. sleep more
#3. take me to six flags!
#4. come with me to boardwalk. just like monopoly!
#5. if i don’t call you at least once/3 days, you can slap that sucka me. not too hard though.
#6. DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR!
#7. don’t fall in love with w. nicolay!
my rules.
#1:you cheat on me and you tell me honestly, I won’t get pissed about it.
#2: no WOW for more than 4 months at a time.
#3: NO JANKY JANSEN.
#4: you HAVE to come to six flags again.
#5: you have to call at least once/3days.
#6: you have to play pool backwards with me (:
#7: you can’t get ugly.
#8: you can’t get fat
#9: YOU DEFINITELY CAN’t GET UGLY AND FAT.
#10: you can’t forget my birthday and remember cammis –“
#11: you can’t fall in love with cammi )
#12: you can’t fall in love with kai
#13: you HAVE to fall in love with nikki #14: no #15: you can’t smoke pineapple express without me (:
Rex.
“Rex…”
A tear escaped my lashes, and though it blurred my vision, I could not break the quiet stare I had fixed on my faithful greyhound. My mournful eyes matching his deep browns; his eyes were slowly, but surely, drooping. The reaper was taking over, and I needed to utter a final goodbye- I needed to close this chapter of my life. Stifling my cries, I bit my lip and slowly drew my hand to pat his fragile fur. Tears, betraying me, slid down my cheeks and I could no longer hold back my whimpering. Struggling, Rex lifted his head and licked my palm, which had been soiled with my sadness. Our life together flashed by - but my best friend’s was ending…
“Rex…”
“Rex, rest in peace, ‘ol buddy”
writing.
It has definitely been a while, and many things have happened, but I just can’t seem to find the time to blog it.
I went to Colorado in July and it was beautiful - empty - but beautiful. The very minute Kai and I got off our cramped plane, the six hours spent at the airport felt worth it. The musty, hot air breathed nature and life, while the college runner who picked us up was also the cutest thing in the world. I met my roomate, Maddie, who was from Texas and just an overall wonderful person. She was hilarious in the most innocent way and she always made me feel better about myself. Very rebellious to her home state, Maddie was definitely not conservative. I had thought we would not get along due to our political views, but we hit it off :) The entire ten days was - in a few words - a life changing experience. Being in a totally new and contrasting state opened my eyes and my mind to different aspects of things. I renewed my love and purpose for running, while also gaining some valuable tips. I need a six pack, yo!
(I’ll write more about this later)
Anyways, I want to try this new thing and write a little story everyday; write my journal and thoughts as a story as to improve my poor writing.
Colorado
I’m back. Finally back from Colorado! I spent 10 days at the rocky mountain cross country camp and I’m realy tired. I gotta clean my room and unpack, but I’ll make up for the 10 days I was gone..
WTF.
Since when did it become July!?
Oh, I’m swimming today :) YAY
So anyways, eight mile bike ride down to the swimming pool. Gosh it really sucks everytime we ride there because we have to pass by the sewer and cleaning facilities. BLEH! I wish summer was warmer and had the perfect weather it should be having…
anyways. I really need to start doing laps, biking, and running like crazy. I have found a new love: biking~
:) Now I really must get off to doing some more contests~
Leona.
I finally got around to watching Leona’s videos on X Factor, and wow. I was completely blown away. She was so great every single week. Hard to believe she was unrecognized for so long! Her personality is cute too - not cocky or egotsitical at all. And she is so pretty :)
But anyways…On Monday?
> OH i saw adrie and david walking Soda sensei’s dog , Gon! He was so cute! And slobbery. AND EXPENSIVE> David gets so much BANK from walking that dog!
I decided to just use the $100 Applebee’s card me and De got and invited Niks, Cameron, Kai, and Colin. Oh and my mother. How embarrassing~ She insisted on inviting my other friend, even though I told her she was angry with me –“ She asked me why, and I told her I didn’t know, and she lectured me because she said not knowing was even worse (as if I didn’t know that!) Since when did she become a favorite of mama? My friend didn’t pick up her phone, so we ended up (on my mother’s instinct) outside her house. Gosh, how weird! We even asked her mother to take her out (she had a confused look on her face too) ahaha and she was like : Does she know you guys are here? And of course we all shook our heads hella slowly. I was pretty surprised when she agreed to come…still awkward though.
But we talked - small talk - but we talked. I was relieved. Even though she is probably still mad at me. It’s hard to be friends with two feuding people :/
All’s fair is love and war?
More like. Love is War.