To be honest, I am completely lost on where to begin. Not to say that my life is like that of Serena Vann der Woodsen from Gossip Girl, but because I have never really opened myself, and my entire self to anyone. I have always been a secretive person. I have always kept my life to myself. I have always run away. And here I am, preparing to chronicle the pains and triumphs of my life to my English class. Even in these last few days of high school, I am still learning something: speaking from the heart.
Though I have only recently started running physically, I probably ran my entire life. Every time life came crashing down, all I could do was run away. From the nights my parents yelled and fought to the day my mother left, I just ran. It seemed so long ago, but I still remember that last afternoon in October, when my mother, eyes full of tears, asked me to drop her off at the airport. I still regret telling mama I couldn’t see her off.
Some of you may find this hard to believe, but I don’t hate my brother. Actually, deep inside, I’m envious of him. Since day one I have beat him in everything from chess to Frisbee, painting to grades, poker to bicycling. But when we were kids, and even now, it was my brother who didn’t run away. As a five year old, it was Dede who stopped the fists, the slaps, the fights. And for ten years I punished him for his courage. I was jealous of his strength and cruel to his sincerity. I bullied him for beating me when it counted the most. I bullied him because I didn’t want to admit that I was weak.
Maybe that’s why I acted the way I did. Innocent, naïve, ignorant. I was stuck in my lost childhood, and I refused to grow up. I was still waiting for that chance where I could be strong, and fix my life back to when I had a whole family. But if there’s one thing I have learned, it is that you can’t expect to run away and have problems fix themselves. As soon as your two feet start moving, you can only go forward.
And that’s what I did. I put one foot forward after another after another after another. For hundreds and thousands of miles I put one foot in front of the other. It’s ironic how things turn out; in the fall of my freshmen year, I decided to run. But this time, running was saving me; it changed my life. Having drawn and done art since I was born, I wasn’t used to the concept of a team. I didn’t understand what my team mates meant by “family”. It was through running that I discovered loss, failure, and pain. Starting at the bottom of the team, I didn’t know why I was running. I had no talent, no dream, and no purpose. I had to survive miles of excruciating pain and constant sunburns, and for what? To watch the backs of my rivals pass by? But day after day, no matter how much it hurt, I stepped onto that dirt track and pushed myself to be faster for tomorrow. I wanted to go forward. I wanted to prove that hard work could overcome talent. It was also through running that I understood determination, passion, and effort. I understood that it was up to me to change my life and my circumstances.
But I wasn’t without help. My team was always there for me. They congratulated my progress and supported my dreams. It is because of my team that I can stand on the line at CCS. It is because of my team that I am willing to step onto that track everyday. I now know what a team is, and what it means to be a family. We run with each other, for each other.
My track team helped me realize that although my family now may be small and even broken, it is a family. My family. Papachu and Dede have faults and make mistakes, but I love them. And I have to admit, no matter how much I want to hate her, I love my mama too.
I have a dream. I want to help save the world. Running has taught me love nature and the outdoors. Whenever I was out on a long run, the only company I had was the clouds and trees. And for twelve miles, nature stood by me. So I want to give back. Running saved me. I want to save the world, so that people can learn to love their planet, and walk forward when life gets them down. And so I am going to study environmental science and engineering at Berkeley; to help change the globe for the better and encourage people to run, bike, exercise. I want people to understand that no one is ever alone; that the world is right there with them.
I’m still stumbling, because for me, growing up is the scariest thing to do. It means facing my past and taking control of the present. But I will walk – no, run – towards my future.
I am going to grow up.
I am going to save the world.
I am not going to run away.
