FROM WHERE I STAND.: Up, up.... →

September 26, 2010

Dear mack,

You made a huge typo.
“I fucking love the bike routes in my school. I’ve been meaning to say this for awhile but it keeps sleeping my mind.”
It should be SLIPPING.
Our fraternity row is awesome, I’ve just never taken you through it.
You’ve only gone to like three UCs.
I’m still angry you left.
Really angry.
:’(

love, cece

I fucking love the bike routes in my school. I’ve been meaning to say this for awhile but it keeps sleeping my mind. It’s like driving, but on a bike, and you can race people and there’s no stupid speed limits or rules or anything. Oh, and you get right of way over the pedestrians. It’s fun.

Last…

I should really post more often.
But of course, life always catches up to me to keep me busy. I’m jealous of all you out there who just have heartfelt posts pouring out of you. Maybe I’m running out of heart? Or just time. So I guess it&… — I should really post more often.

But of course, life always catches up to me to keep me busy. I’m jealous of all you out there who just have heartfelt posts pouring out of you. Maybe I’m running out of heart? Or just time. So I guess it’s time for a little explanation of my sad, non-existent posts.

I took a 10 unit Japanese class over the summer

I went to Hawaii for a week with Mack <3

I was rushing for a panhellenic sorority

I joined the triathlon team (15 fucking practices a week!)

I am now a veteran on the club frisbee team

I am still working at the financial aid office (only 10 hours a week now :)

I joined a laboratory experiment under my environmental biology professor

I am on the school’s sustainability team

I joined two environmental science clubs

I am now taking five classes, including two four hour laboratory classes

I live in a house of 4 other hilarious girls who distract me to no end

Those sound like excuses, don’t they? And a little bit of complaint. My schedule is so packed now, I don’t have any time to miss any of my loves! Or to blog the many pictures I have taken over this long summer. The weird thing is, I didn’t think I did so much until I thought about writing a post. I still feel like I could be doing more and more. Maybe it’s the 24-hour resume building environment I am in, but I always have a feeling that I’m not doing enough, that I am not good enough.

I have had time where I was an insecure little bitch, but I don’t think I am really like that. I’d like to think I am overly confident, but that isn’t true either. I may not remember any organic chemistry, but I know that Cal has made me humble. If not for the freaking, crazy students that save the world AND pay for college, then for knowing that there is always something else to do. I’m not in my under confident slump anymore, but I’m not enough of a douche to say that how I live my life is what everyone should be doing.

I want to do so much, but I feel like I am running low on time. Laughable, isn’t it? A mere 18 year old, fretting about time. I guess that was always the problem with my personality - I wanted to do so many things I couldn’t possibly handle. I always wanted to better myself.

So I guess I am a little harsh towards the people that think they are good enough.

I know you should accept the people you love for who they are, but at the same time, it’s hard to support someone partying five days a week. Standards may be an individual’s choice, but they can also cause inequality. As much as I may love you, you need to get your shit straight. Because at this point, you are not my equal. I know I shouldn’t be telling people how to live their lives, but it’s become a matter of respect. I don’t think I am good enough, but I am working so hard towards being someone who is worth something to the world.

And you?

I’ve lost respect for you.

September 24, 2010

happy nineteenth.
I haven’t been blogging at all, but this is the least I can do. I don’t want to forget the trials and steps it took for me to get where I am.To where we are, where we can go, where we will be.
Hey Cookie,
Thank you for … — *happy nineteenth.*

I haven’t been blogging at all, but this is the least I can do. I don’t want to forget the trials and steps it took for me to get where I am.To where we are, where we can go, where we will be.

Hey Cookie,

Thank you for the last two weeks, it was like a dream, living with you. I loved coming home to a warm bed with a sleepy head (that rhymed). Having you cook dinner and taking long naps. The dinner on Tuesday? It tasted like shit - I am never buying heart healthy tomato sauce again. And hot dogs got nothing on sausages! You should have paid more attention to Horton Hears a Who, but maybe my Christmas lights triggered your ADD. Haha, I’m just kidding. It was a slow, whatever anniversary. But it was our last one together, so I supposed it deserves a post.

Those people I sympathized with for having long distance relationships? Yeah, it fucking sucks dick. You might think five months isn’t so bad, but the eight months after might just kill me. Everyday feels increasingly longer, but I might be delusional. I guess this will be the first of many letters. And when I go to Japan, the first of many boxes of letters. Have fun in Santa Barbara, babe. Work hard and get to where you want to go. I want to do the same.

Although I’m glad I got to spend the last night with you in your bed, I really didn’t want to drive down with your family. I didn’t want to leave that room with so much history. All our fights, our tears, our make-ups. All our memories. I hope they stay there, so we can go back. I’m sorry I got you sick, you sniffled so much in the car. That walk back to your parents Saturday felt like the shortest half an hour ever. The car ride felt three times as long and my phone’s battery died five times as fast. The dinner we ate was good, the lava cake bittersweet. Don’t worry, I didn’t cry in front of them. I haven’t cried.

Not yet.

I hope I can hold you soon, my arms feel a little cold.

September 15, 2010

My mom is queer.

She bought me a rock. A “happy stone”. Shit better work.

Sigh, I’m nothing like her.

September 13, 2010

Does anyone know where to buy those hella nice cameras? The nikon/canon etc. ones?

September 13, 2010

Amazon,
Especially during sales and if you have Prime. Haha, thought you’d like my pineapple baby. Yes, I did name my canon. And yes, pineapple babies cost a lot :( No, I didn’t pay for it. Yee!

“Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.”

— James Dean

September 07, 2010

back down.

August 31, 2010

You can call me territorial. You can call me beezy. You can call me a square.

But you bitches need to get the fuck out, because this isn’t your playground.

School started today.

But all I was really thinking about was the ramen I would eat for lunch. Sigh, I want to go back to Hawaii. On the flip side, I love my love-shack girls. I walked around with terrible tan lines in just my undies. I felt like t… — School started today.

But all I was really thinking about was the ramen I would eat for lunch. Sigh, I want to go back to Hawaii. On the flip side, I love my love-shack girls. I walked around with terrible tan lines in just my undies. I felt like the freest person in the world. My house is helping me cope with the insecurities Berkeley notoriously brings.

All I’m missing is a certain little speedster to eat lunch with on Wednesdays. ;(

August 26, 2010

I found this in my phone.

I’m darker than that now, but so is the monstrous boyfriend - -“

August 24, 2010

Sometimes, things would have been easier if you had died that day.

If you ceased to exist.

As cruel as it sounds, I still wish you weren’t brought into this world. You make me so miserable, I could kill myself. Please disappear.

Like ice cr… — Sometimes, things would have been easier if you had died that day.

If you ceased to exist.

As cruel as it sounds, I still wish you weren’t brought into this world. You make me so miserable, I could kill myself. Please disappear.

Like ice cream, melting into the ground.

August 20, 2010

dyneadri:

(via solivid)

Ouch!
How can make up make her eyes that much bigger? What the eff am I doing wrong :( There are a lot of Japanese people in Hawaii, now I have to look twice. I used to think they were all so cute!Ignorance is bliss. — dyneadri:

(via solivid)

Ouch!

How can make up make her eyes that much bigger? What the eff am I doing wrong :( There are a lot of Japanese people in Hawaii, now I have to look twice. I used to think they were all so cute!
Ignorance is bliss.

August 18, 2010

(via nybeath)

I love you, Blair Waldorf.You’re right. Can’t just be waiting for the world to keep spinning. For time to keep moving. Like everyone else these days, I also strongly believe in what you do vs what you say you’ll do. … — (via nybeath)

I love you, Blair Waldorf.
You’re right. Can’t just be waiting for the world to keep spinning. For time to keep moving. Like everyone else these days, I also strongly believe in what you do vs what you say you’ll do. I also believe that it’s better to regret something you did, than something you didn’t do. So why wait? Take the plunge and stop being made up of empty words.
Make your own fucking destiny.

August 14, 2010

happy twentieth.
I’m long past due for this anniversary, but we went to Honolulu, Hawaii. And it was bliss! Not much more to say about that.
2951658764165876 more places to go, cookie.
We got this. — *happy twentieth.*

I’m long past due for this anniversary, but we went to Honolulu, Hawaii. And it was bliss! Not much more to say about that.

2951658764165876 more places to go, cookie.

We got this.

August 14, 2010

lohan.

August 13, 2010

Are you crazy?

Even if she came back from hell, you don’t go and hug her! Nobody made her go to psychiatrists, rehab, court, or jail. Shits on her, make her pick herself back up. If she’s strong enough, she can do it. Life’s hard enough as it is just taking care of yourself. Fucking stupid, don’t touch that bitch.

You might catch addiction.

Bye bye, lindsay.
You were cuter in parent trap.

August 12, 2010

I have a final tomorrow, fuck that.

God, I really need to go on vacation. Or at least watch Depicable Me a couple more times. I want to be like her, she’s hilarious!

Thanks for making my night, Agnes. <3

Been so lazy and unmotivated to jot down thoughts lately, but nothing exciting has really happened. Other than my purchase of a canopy and memory foam topper for my bed, I haven’t even really shopped. My cheap mondays? Think that was in June. The varsity? Early July. Retail therapy, where have you gone?! I think it’s been about three weeks since I really wrote anything of content, so I’m going to try and see if my poor little Japanese crammed brain can reflect.

I thought this summer was going to fucking boring and lame, but I like looking back at my pictures knowing I did something. The spontaneous bonfire last week was a nice escape from all of this school. So even though I missed out on Hawaii with a good friend of mine, I think I’ll be okay. But I better be going this Saturday.

It’s weird. This whole, not-really-spending-summer-with-people-I’ve-known-my-whole-life thing. For someone who used to complain about having the same friends throughout my teens, I have grown to miss everyone I bitched about. I guess you never really miss something until it’s gone? There are some bitches and assholes I am almost embarrassed to find that I miss. But there are also those people I have missed since day one. To all the friends that were there to grow up with me, it is our first summer apart. Our first summer with a second home. Our first summer of awkward hellos and tearless goodbyes.

But the thing about this separation is that it is a present in disguise; the space that we each get in finding out about ourselves is a gift. Some of us weren’t as strong as we thought to be. Some weren’t as weak. Some weren’t as innocent. And some weren’t as dependent on each other. If anything, I am proud of those who have had the power to find what they have wanted out of life and moved on from the things that stranded them to adolescence. On the other hand, there are also still many people that have a little ways to go to grow up - me included. Although I know what I want out of life, although I know what I need to do to get there, although I have everything planned out day by day year by year, I don’t know where I stand as a person.

Not knowing who you are? I feel like that’s scarier than not knowing what you want.

But there are still people at home that care. People whom I haven’t spoken to all year, who I haven’t seen all summer, that I know will still welcome me in the middle of the night. And I think that’s what really gets me about going home - it’s the friendships you know you don’t need to keep caring for to stay strong. As if the friendships at home are long-lasting weeds that refuse to die, and the friendships at school are short-lived orchids who wither by day.

I wonder what kind of person I will be in the future.

But more importantly, I wonder which friends I will keep. And which ones I will not.

surgery.

August 11, 2010

For some reason, even though it doesn’t matter, I’m not a fan of plastic surgery. Even if people only see whats new and improved on the outside, I wouldn’t do that to myself. Because while society and the media accepts those superficial corrections and materialistic perfections, I cannot.

I cannot live a lie.

“I don’t think fat people have a right to call other people fat. It just doesn’t make any sense!”

— Honey

August 09, 2010

You know that road you take down life?

Yeah, it’s so windy sometimes.

July 29, 2010

Drove totally out of the way up market yesterday, after taking a wrong turn on Castro.

But it was all good, because I ended up finding a cute little store at Haight. Although the style is completely different from what I usually wear, I adored the … — Drove totally out of the way up market yesterday, after taking a wrong turn on Castro.

But it was all good, because I ended up finding a cute little store at Haight. Although the style is completely different from what I usually wear, I adored the preppy, sophisticated style. I ended up with a cute black cocktail dress. I like my body a lot more than the 118 lb monster I was my first semester of college - though I’d enjoy getting back to my senior 104 lb body, I’m comfortable at 110 lb. Marathon training and triathlon training should help, it better. Wandering with kimbo and cam on Haight really made me appreciate the unique, culturally beautiful cities of not just San Francisco, but Berkeley as well. It took me a while to realize this, but I love where I live.

But anyways, what I really wanted to bitch about was how people keep trying to make the world see an image of themselves to hide their true weaknesses. I felt a pang of guilt when I bought that elegant cocktail dress. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t someone I wanted people to see me as or who I wanted to be. It was just, well, cute. A random splurge on something unlike anything I have ever owned that would probably make someone think I was richer than I really am. Maybe I’ll be seen as stuck up, or maybe I’ll be seen as a socialite. Either way, it really depends on what I decide to show people.

I’m not the kind of person that hides my intentions, takes back doors, and manipulates people. Honesty is one of my most valued morals, a mantra I have lived by. As such, I have never told the world I was the biggest, baddest bitch on the block - simply because I wasn’t. I never told people I was adored by guys and had many boyfriends - because I wasn’t. I never told people I partied all week - because I don’t. But my point is, I don’t understand the need to pretend to be someone you are not. What is the purpose of living a lie? Or worse, living the life of a follower? In the end, there will be some that can see past all the bullshit, the make-up, the circle lenses, the oversized glasses, the wannabe gauges, the DSLR and find that you are nothing like the bad-ass you made yourself out to be. You’re just a follower in someone else’s footsteps. A copycat. A fake. Someone who follows the trends the rest of the world has created. And for what? To fit into a mold of someone you wish to be, someone you want to be seen as. To make it worse, countless girls like that begin to publicize their idiocy, and tell the world they are someone they aren’t.

It’s sad, not only because you can’t accept yourself for who you are, but because you try so hard to hide that person. It’s pitiful to see these girls trying so damn hard to be someone else.

No, you’re not a biker or an athlete. And you never were. Sorry. No, you’re not skinny and pretty. So don’t draw attention to your face. No, you’re not a fabulously conquering queen. Sorry, nobody listens to you.

No, you’re not who you try so hard to say you are.

July 25, 2010

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July 25, 2010

irisyu:

irisyu:

I think you should suck it up and pierce everything at once. Skip the ears and hardcore punch holes in your cartilage and face. Do it, do it.

By the way, the Cheap Monday? I have that denim, I think. Got the 27 x 34, but I needed to hem it like 3-4 inches. The tailoring place on Allston and Oxford is highly recommended! Make sure you ask for tapers or else they’ll only hem. Tailoring is only like $10, the jeans for me were like $60. It was definitely not just $13 and high waist sucks, but I’m starting to like it a little more. If you have the cash, pure blue makes really nice purple-indigo raws.

:) yay for art in fashion.

I think I’m just gna do my earlobes for now. IDK how I feel about holes in my cartilages…

Yea, I don’t really like high waist either, but oh well, it was like, $13 for me. Such a good steal. Have you been to that tailoring place on Oxford and Allston? Isn’t there another one like, next to Unit 3? I mostdef do not have much cash if any which is why I opted for CMs. Are yours raw too?

Yeah, the dude understood my jeans were raw. And when you read the yelp reviews, it seems the tailor appreciates them, which is why I chose it over the other rated tailor in Berkeley. Cheap Mondays are worth it for their quality, but they’ll probably fade quickly. Mack told me to make sure you hot soak it after 3-4 months! Don’t washing machine it :(