One of the reasons why I hate my boyfriend..
He always manages to say the most useless, hurtful thing at the wrong times. So I go from feeling terrible to utterly miserable. It’s like roughing through my problems alone would have been a smarter choice. Better than going from bad to worse.
If you want me to open up and share my issues, stop saying things that make me want to clam up again.
I just..
Don’t believe you.
I don’t believe anything you say.
Your lies are not even beautiful anymore.
..CURRENT WISH LIST <3
Just like my baby, Olive, said: “CHRISTMAS HINTS”. Just kidding, because these things I will buy on my own. Miss Independent (also known as d.a.d.d.y)
1. DKNY Blossom (1.7 or 3.4 oz.) - $60/$75
I have the original green one, but I think I’m more of a floral kind of person. This is probably the only thing on the list I can afford.
2. Birkenstock Arizona (Soft Footbed) in charcoal - $90
Yes, I want hippie shoes. There. I said it.
3. ARIDEIN White Classic Boutique Hotel Pajamas - $660
As worn by Blair Waldorf again in season 5, forget which episode. It is a pajama that has been featured in many fashion magazines already, so I can’t go wrong buying a Gossip Girl exclusive. It must be comfy. At almost $700, it absolutely must be.
4. Canon 60D & Battery Grip - $900
For all the trips I will take in the near future, of course.
5. BACON, Pembroke Welsh Corgi - $750
Oh, my bacon, how I already love you so. I’m still looking for my baby though. Too nervous to make that call to Bakersfield for some reason. Why don’t all breeders use email? Phone calls make it seem like an interview!
6. Burberry Ladies Stainless Steel Watch - $395
I bought my boyfriend a black backgrounded version for his twenty-first, but he seems to have it in his head that his twenty-first tops my twentieth birthday. Honestly, I am a little ticked off by that ‘cause my wallet was not just emptied by Saks Fifth. Good riddance. I will buy the bitch myself.
7. Sam Edelman 'Cadence’ Flats in Pink - $99
the flats were ugly when I tried them on again shopping with my mother today, so I ended up getting patent leather vince camuto flats in lamb. - $80
8. Victoria Beckham Spring/Summer 2010 Collection #35 - $4000
It’s just a guess, but seeing as all her other dresses are around 2000 pounds, I think it’s a pretty close estimate. I fell in love with the nude/pale pink ensemble Blair Waldorf wore in season 5, the fasting and the furious. Hopefully, one day I will be able to wear clothes that fabulous. Can all my girls say, Herve Leger?
9. iPhone 4 Case - $35 - $100
http://society6.com/alicexz/The-Lights_iPhone-Case
An amazing artist I discovered on deviantart, I would kill for one of her artworks to grace the back of my apple baby. Although I wouldn’t mind getting something like..
http://society6.com/product/Pink-7da_iPhone-Case
I just need a new iPhone case. But these don’t wrap all the way around to the front of the screen? I don’t just want snap in cases, urg.
http://www.elementcase.com/Vapor-COMP-Epiphany-p/api4-1414-xwl1.htm
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL - also, very expensive, but my phone will be awesome. AWESOME.
10. ASOS PETITE Slack Neck Lace Dress - $82
I actually really wanted the Exclusive Lace Backless dress that was on sale for $40, but it’s been out of stock since the beginning of time. I really need to find my measurements so I get the right size for this dress. Apparently, ASOS shipping sucks mucho balls. Does anyone know where I can get my measurements?
edit: they only had a size 2 left and it was the LAST GOD DAMN ONE. Thank god I got it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you..
…le sigh.
… haha <3
So it’s kind of awkward when you hear people you don’t know having sex next door.
And that was the issue I ran into the first few weeks of the semester. I usually got so annoyed (‘cause her moans would be waking me from my slumber) that I called the landlord on them or left rude post its on their door. I have talked to them about 4 times now in-person and even gotten their cell number because they were polite enough to let me give them warnings when they were bothersome. I wave when I see the 24-7 couple at school or when they are out for a night on the town and we happen to bump into each other. I think our relationship is much better - plus, they are also very, very quiet. Good job, monotone, chubby girl.
Well, that’s fine and dandy and all, but I have another problem.
(My problem might not really be a problem on the account that I have crazy mood swings and thoughts on my period and it’s that time of the month, but I’ll give myself benefit of the doubt.)
So what if my current issue is the sex sounds of my fellow cozy cove mate? Of course, I want my baby to be happy, but it’s kind of an awkward request to ask her to moan quieter in the apartment when we are home. Or to go have sex somewhere else. Due to us being homebodies during finals season and Mr. Biking Mike’s pit stop 24 hour 6 days a week at our home - we probably won’t ever be out of the house when they want to do the dirty. Did I mention he was here 6 days a week? Let me repeat that in case you didn’t get it the first time - 6 fucking days a week. Oh and to top things off, the bed squeaks across the floor. How is that for super, super irritating? But on the bright side, two more weeks until winter break and I will not have to hear either of them. Hopefully, it will not be an issue next semester..
I reckon it’s best that I move home next year and commuted. I am so bad at cooking and so OCD about cleanliness and respect, only my parents should have to deal with it. Honestly, I don’t think I’m cut out for this whole “living with your best friend” thing. You find out flaws and habits you didn’t see before and it personally disillusioned me from my rather high expectations of her; ultimately, she failed as the perfect woman I thought she was. She turned out to just be.. well, a girl. Just a girl. Maybe one that I probably should not have chosen to live with? (ah, that’s a little harsh)..that’s probably not true, I’m just disturbed as fuck right now though it should be a very natural thing for her to be in a physical relationship. I don’t know, am I crazy to be bothered enough by her neediness to want to live at home? Er well, I think at this point in my life, I just want to spend time with the family I never had and be pampered by the mother that wasn’t there.
Sorry Jay-mate, it’s not you, it’s me.
Or actually, maybe it is you.
And I’ve had another revelation - It’s fifty billion times more awkward when you personally know the people that you can hear having sex in your house.
day five. 2.0 hours, oil paint.
Yay, I’m done.
Hope mack appreciates it, he never speaks a word when I slave away to make things for him :( but whatever, I’m finished! I could always go back and keep detailing though.. But that’s what makes art annoying, you can always fix it, make it better. Writing is the same way. My friend is constantly editing and rewriting her works, updating her style all these years.. I’m really glad I decided to double and take art classes. It’s been a good release and a surprising experience. I never thought I could paint, I seriously figured I’d suck the first few weeks, but it wasn’t as hard as I made it out to be. I have come a long way since that ridiculously useless art class in high school. I could not for the life of me, paint a tree in acrylic during that wretched sophomore year and have stuck to graphite since. Until i took this class, anyways.
I have to say, I’m pretty proud of how much I’ve grown in the studio. No more of that animation/cartoon crap. I can do real, fine art and that’s cool. Of course, the imaginative and surreal follow suit. It’s easy to draw cartoons when you can do the actual rendering; not so easy the other way around though. I think I’ll spend these next breaks dedicated to art, reading, blogging, and taking pictures (though I do have to make sure my posts don’t get too long and boring to read).
I have a good feeling about December.
We need more girls with class.
I wonder if she ever got surgery, I love her face, I wonder if perfection could be all natural?..
Anyways, I’ve been trying to write more lately so as to get more accustomed to blogging and realizing thoughts in printing. It’s strange how typing things out just seem to sound better than the word vomit I come up with in real life.
I’m currently at a dilemma. So I think I’m usually the person (and correct me if I’m wrong) to say what is on my mind. Sometimes it’s probably better that I said it instead of keeping it inside to blow up on people later, but other times it gets me in trouble when I express myself in situations that I probably should have just kept quiet in the first place. So even though I try to think before I speak (what a preposterous idea), I still 95% of the time think it’s better if other people can tell what I am thinking..
Recently, I have been trying to be very open-minded and supportive of a dear friend of mine. I almost feel as if I am giving her special treatment by muffling my usual brutal honesty. We have had many talks already, so many that it’s probably no longer my place to say anything and let her own life be taken by the wind of her decisions, but it really bugs the shit out of me when her actions affect other people and she is either oblivious or selfish enough to disregard it. I would really want to be critical, but if even I won’t say it to her face - it really is not something that should be said I suppose. I’ve talked to myself a million times of what it is exactly that bothers me and I’ve confided in my friends a million more times of the things I wish I could say. I have also confronted her about her actions and their reflection on how I see her as a person. There’s just these criticisms and issues in my head I want to resolve by giving her yet another “talk”. But I know that I can’t. Because the biggest thing is that..
Well, she’s happy.
And I suppose it’s been a while since I have been in the dating stages of a relationship to remember if I was needy or clingy enough to have to see my boyfriend every day and have him sleep over Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday only to forget I promised my friends “girl’s nights” during the week. But chances are, I probably was neglecting to my own loves the three years ago when I started dating my current boyfriend. Actually, it is a fact I was neglecting because at a certain point I ran into so much trouble with one of my best friends that we almost had a fallout. They kept quiet the entire time, let their emotions sit inside, let me be happy, and waited until I was disillusioned by the relationship to understand that there needs to be a balance.
There always needs to be a balance.
Some part of me wishes I saved time by being told I was being a clingy, dependent, boyfriend-loving-too-much pathetic female without an ounce of female empowerment or respect for her friendships. I was criticized and for good reason. But I felt what happened, happened the right way. It is actually very normal to fall off the face of the earth when you find that new fling, that new potential-husband-to-be, you just need to re-evaluate and remember those that need your loving too. I found myself and I found that balance, after I went through my honey-moon phase. I was able to have my happy time and I was able to resolve and strengthen my friendships afterwards as well. I remembered that my friends and my childhood besties are the ones that will truly always be there (after my loyal dog); they are the people I need to pay the most attention to when they ask for it.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is..
I am now in that situation where I am the one being left out. The bestie that is forgotten, neglected, and left as a default for when Mr. Biking Mike is not in the city. I am the back-up companion, the driver, the errand runner. I do her laundry for her, so she can spend time with her boyfriend. I drive her to places to meet up with her boyfriend or run her errands because her boyfriend does not own a car.
My dear friend, you are a clingy, needy bitch. You let us three-wheel constantly and you forget the promises you had to spend time without your Mr. Biking Mike. You are not independent and yes, I have slightly lost respect for you after what happened in the beginning. But you know what?
It’s okay.
Because you’re happy. And just like my old friend gave me my happy honey moon period, I will give you yours. You can become enveloped by your relationship and you can have him be with you every waking moment of the day for the next few months, because you deserve it. This is ‘finding yourself’ also in a sense. I can not tell you what to do or tell you not to slut around because technically, you’re supposed to be slutting around. It is your prime and it is your experimentation. I can not shove myself into your lack of balance between your boyfriend and your friends, but instead wait on the sidelines quietly until you are ready to realize your commitments and priorities.
That’s the right thing to do.
It is really strange being on the other side of the same spectrum I put my best friends in, but also very enlightening. I’m going to wait until you are willing to be normal and a good companion again. So dear friend, please give me a break if I bully Mr. Biking Mike or if I refuse to run your errands for you, because honestly, I am keeping my honesty quiet so that you may be happy.
And it’s a god damn struggle.
I am still obsessing over these two girls.
House. New Girl. GLEE. Modern Family. ANTM: All Stars.
Ran out of tv to watch on hulu (and could not for the life of me find the victoria’s secret 2011 fashion show online) so currently indulging in season 5 of GOSSIP GIRL, though I haven’t the slightest clue where everybody went or what happened. I should really be studying, but it’s so easy to be mesmerized by these two beauties I have trouble concentrating on chi-squared and probability functions. Statistics and Calculus, why do you give me something to do and not let me be distracted…?! On the bright side, my summer plans for 2012 is set with my mother getting me an environmental engineering internship in Pudong, Shanghai with Cundall. Yee!
Can it just be winter break already?
(via dilch-cut)
I need to read more news, can anyone recommend a good news/informational blog to follow?
I mean other than Yahoo!, The New York Times, and Wall Street Journal, I want a news blog to follow..
Please & thanks!
It’s a strange thought - practically being done with college.
I suppose I can’t say I left very far from home (forty minutes, anyone?). but it does make me feel a little bit sad knowing I’m already over halfway done with my college career. I met a good amount of people and I can proudly say I got that ‘college experience’ by living in the dorms and joining multitudes of things since freshmen year. I’ve done a lot. I’ve made a lot of lasting bonds. All those late night parties, sleepovers, and study nights will soon come to an end when the people that have walked into my life will walk their own paths in the world.
Hometowns, probably won’t really be hometowns anymore as more and more people move away from the seventeen years they’ve spent in the same town, with the same faces, walking down the same streets. It’d be naive to think that I can just mass text the twenty friends I suffered through adolescence with to just meet up at the local coffee shop or restaurant. That’s what really makes a hometown..the childhood friends that know the city like you do. I’ve moved away already physically, but that close knit circle of mine keeps drawing me back to the most boring city in California. I’m going to miss our twilight antics and get togethers. I’m going to cry when the aunties & uncles that have watched me mature, begin to grow weak and frail. I’m going to make faces as middle schoolers with make-up and high heels trip over themselves at holographic vampire/mermaid/superhero movies. And I’m going to grow up and move away and hope. Hope that someday, I could come back to this little town and be able to meet up with the childhood loves of my life at the familiar high school parking lot or basement of house that still smells like the captain morgan I threw up.
I also want to make this clear. I pray everyone that I knew growing up will at some point leave the city and follow interesting journeys of their own to reach their dreams. I pray that no one will be forever sheltered by the comfort of their memories.
There just isn’t enough time to be living mundane lives in the same place, doing the same thing.
The “best part of my life” is soon coming to an end - the next year will pass in the blink of an eye - and I wonder if I am proud of what I accomplished in college… The prime time for my window of opportunities is closing and I have to start living that solitary life of a working adult. Was what I decided to do in college “worth it”? I hope I will be able to walk the path I have built with the bricks of higher education. I wonder if I did enough internships? Joined enough different organizations? While I am proud of my experiences, there’s always the 'what if’s’ in the back of my mind. What if I went to USC? Or Yale? or NYU? What if I went into college single? What if I became an English major?
I don’t regret anything though, my mind just wanders.
College.
It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t bad at all. I’ve had many good times, probably even more laughs. And there’s probably a reason if things didn’t work out or I didn’t do everything according to plan. Nothing ever goes according to plan, damn it. But that’s the beauty of it, I suppose. Being scared for what comes next, embracing what’s gotten you this far.
Note to self: Enjoy life in its present moment, live in the now. If you constantly worry and plan ahead for the future, you’ll miss the fun that’s happening now.
Christmas cookies are kind of one of the best things about Christmas.
I love those buttery, frosted things.
I wonder if this calls for a cozy cove baking edition? :) please please!
day four.
2.5 hours, oil paint
Didn’t do much today, did I mention I was still sick? I was hacking my brains out last night, but it was worth it ‘cause I got to see all my homeboys and girls. They make me laugh so much while feeling all warm & fuzzy inside. Beer/shot pong and all those silly games were worth dwindling my hours of sleep.
ME & CAMMI PWNED MACK & ADAM. TEAM CECE & CAMMI. WE’RE TOO AWESOME.
(Babe, if you’re reading this. You’re my slave for the week (life). Anyways, I went home to find that my mom departed for Seattle and my poor baby choo choo was left at home by herself! Daddy brought us egg tarts and pineapple buns to make up for it and then drove off to play mahjong for the 3rd night in a row. So I did some project work and painted some more.
It’s almost done~
Now onto House and turning in for the night.
day three.
3.5 hours, oil paint
Did some more painting at Eugenia & Hubert’s house before Thanksgiving dinner, just in case I needed help from art goddess, Eugenia Tai. Kimhak also needed me there early for portrait practice anyways. (Here’s what he sent me so far if you were wondering: http://www.flickr.com/photos/thehak/6407506369/in/photostream - look at the rest of his flickr if you have time) After getting paint everywhere I decided to ditch my original plan of driving to my boyfriend’s family dinner at a restaurant and went to my huge, huge, huge Thanksgiving dinner with all my family instead. The scrumptious turkey in the oven convinced me. But..
OH MY EFFING GOD.
I GOT FOOD POISONING FROM THANKSGIVING.
Who the hell gets food poisoning from Thanksgiving? Er.. more accurately the yam I ate the hour before Thanksgiving Dinner. I ended up ruining my parent’s mini roadtrip to Black Friday at Gilroy Outlets and spent the next 24 hours a miserable, weak, gigantic baby. I was at the lowest point this year - I had to have my daddy feed me because my muscles were too sore from the puking and diarrhea. The worst part? I did absolutely no shopping. NO. SHOPPING. Mack even came to my house at midnight - intending to go to Gilroy with us - and had to take care of me instead. He slept on the sofa next to me and made me porridge when he woke up (of course, he had to feed me too). And spent the whole day sleeping and doing nothing with my sickly self. So I’m thankful for the companionship. I’m thankful for dede too; he got me my garbage can and tissues.
Sigh, I reckon I will have to wait another year for a family Black Friday adventure.
Side note…Why are my art gifts better than my projects for my art classes?
day two.
3.0 hours, oil paint (First day was the sketch and t-shirt, didn’t think it was important enough. 2.0 hours)
I’ve been pretty sick these past few days, so I guess I didn’t have the energy to freak out too much when I realized I forgot the palettes at cozy cove. I ended up just using a piece of waxed paper instead - didn’t work so well, but I’m surprised myself that the painting turned out more and less how I wanted it to. Hopefully, the wood panel and clear gesso will hold. If it does, totally going to use wood panels as my painting material from now on. Canvas is too expensive and home depot wood is too thin.
My Christmas present isn’t too far from being done..
Yay, I should make these for people more often.
…trance music..?
Yeah, I don’t really get it.
But it seems to be the music of the future with all it’s techno sounds and auto-tuned voices. Or is that another genre? There’s so many sub genres to everything I can’t even keep up anymore. It also kind of confuses me how sometimes rave music is meant to be underground… But ends up being more mainstream than the top forty. I went to see deadmau5 over summer at outsidelands, but wasn’t really into the whole set (might also be because I am ridiculously claustrophobic). Sorry, deadmau5.
And you, the idiot who plays trance on blast 24-7 through the house, put some headphones on.
What happened to old school rock bands? When music artists were better LIVE than in studio. I love when you can hear and see people actually playing their instruments physically with their hands. But in that sense, I’m old fashioned.
It’s not that I hate it, I don’t get it. I wouldn’t listen to it over say, MUSE or Coldplay, but maybe I haven’t found the best of the trance (other than the og, daft punk).
Someone explain trance to me, without offering me drugs to make it sound good.
Edit: I’ll be awesome and the best girl you’ll ever have.
No, really.
The BEST girl.. EVER.
funny, yet true. (to an extent I guess)
I’m not as close to you as you think I am.
We’re not as close as you think we are or make us out to be. But I really wonder, if that’s my fault or yours? ‘Cause recently, it seems to me like you are the type of person to preach and not follow through.
All bark and no bite. Want to know something though? I always believed that actions speak louder than words.
Well, your words are cheap and so are you.
11/08/2011 3:00 AM.
…and these seven days of period torture to those around me will begin.
…and the seven days I will reflect.
…and then I need to make a decision; this time, I want to stick to it and not falter.
seven days.