He Suffocated Me, I Cheated. →

I got drunk, and I cheated. I cheated because I hate confrontation. I cheated because I couldn’t figure out what was actually wrong with my relationship. We had been dating for almost two years, and I knew he was suspicious, but so far he had nothing to be wary of.

Every morning I woke up to texts about how beautiful I was. Every afternoon I got updates about what he was doing, eating, talking to, watching on TV; his life he spent wishing he was with me. Every night I got a phone call so he could tell me how he couldn’t wait to make me his wife.

Every morning I said thank you, and I miss you. Every afternoon I updated him on my classes, friends, homework; my life far away from him. Every night I picked up the phone so I could say I was excited to be his wife some day.

He was suffocating me. I couldn’t do anything without having to update him, or he would worry. And he thought I wanted to know everything he was doing. We were long distance, but not enough that I felt like we had different lives. Leaving my phone in my room was never an option; if I missed a call, he texted my friends, and if they didn’t get back to him within a reasonable time frame, my mom got a phone call.

He asked me to send him pictures of my outfits before I went out at night. When he visited, we stayed in. We didn’t see any of my friends because he wanted me all to himself. He was jealous of my friends, of my sorority, of my roommate, of my RA, of my professors; he was jealous of everyone I talked to that wasn’t him.

For a while I liked it. I genuinely liked being monitored because no guy had ever taken that kind of interest in me. I misinterpreted control for love. I needed to get my control back, so I started pushing boundaries.

At first they were innocent. I lied about who I was hanging out with if there were boys present. I lied about being at the library when I was out at the bars. I lied about being sober and tired when I was drunk. And I got away with all of it. I knew he could tell I was lying, but he wouldn’t dare say anything, because he could feel he was losing me.

Then I started diving over the boundaries head first. I danced with boys at parties. I kissed boys at bars. I gave out my phone number. I texted old hook ups. I loved having these secrets from him because for once I was doing things that he didn’t know about, and because he didn’t know, he couldn’t judge me.

He was suffocating me, and somewhere along the way, he took a part of me I still haven’t gotten back. I lost my moral compass. He drove me right into that basketball player’s arms.

I know they say there’s never an excuse for cheating; if you want to have sex with someone else, then have the decency to end your relationship first. Being cheated on will scar a person for the rest of their lives. I know this first hand because my high school boyfriend cheated on me, and my trust issues spilled over into every relationship I had after him.

But in that moment, I understood why people cheat; they don’t know how else to get their freedom back. Cheating gives you a sense of control when you feel that so much of your life rests in the hands of other people. Cheating empowered me.

My boyfriend was my frontal lobe. He decided everything for me, and I didn’t even know I had handed him the reins. People that cheat don’t do it to deliberately destroy their partner; they do it because they think their partner is destroying them. I know that sounds like a cop out, and no one deserves to have their faith in love shattered… but when the right amount of alcohol and desperation are mixed together, cheating seems like a good idea.

Even just having the secret was enough for a few days. I had managed to get away with having sex with someone else, and I finally had my power back. My boyfriend couldn’t tell me what to do or think anymore because I didn’t just belong to him. Actually, I didn’t belong to him. For two years I had tried to mold myself into someone I’m not so that I could belong to him, but a part of me wouldn’t let me give in all the way. A part of me that probably should have spoken up a little sooner.

My boyfriend had been holding my head under water. He should have known that I would eventually either fight back or give up and drown.

Don’t make your partner have to fight back. If you feel like you have to hold their head under water in order to love them, then leave, because you’re going to get hurt when they kick you in the balls to make you let go. It will be their fault for cheating. He never had to apologize for anything in our break up because I cheated. He isn’t going to trust any of his future girlfriends because I cheated. He’s going to monitor them closely. He’s going to try to control them, too. He’s going to drive them into the arms of other guys, and when they cheat, he’s going to have another excuse for his pattern of behavior.

Cheating is not a pattern of behavior. No one cheats and then feels it was a good way to solve their problems because the problems don’t go away. They’re still in a relationship with someone who controls them, or who they aren’t in love with anymore, and the only way to fix it is to end it.

If you feel like cheating, end it. If you find out your partner cheated, end it. If you let them get away with cheating, then expect to be cheated on again, because you just gave them an outlet. If my relationship hadn’t ended, I would have cheated again.

late night ramblings.

…I think I’m just different.

I’m not the type to be easily influenced by others.

I do things because I want to. Sometimes, even when I shouldn’t. But I do them anyway because I want to. I live my life like that, even when I don’t try. Even when I shouldn’t. Somehow, I kind of prefer this lifestyle I have that has no strings, no cages, and chains attached. I like being able to wake up after a ridiculous night knowing that I was living MY life and not doing anything someone else asked me to do.

Influence isn’t a bad thing. That’s not what I’m saying. Many people influence me to do better, strive harder, learn more. Although obviously, bad influences are actually bad things.

Either way, I don’t listen to outside noise unless I want to, unless I choose to. I don’t get influenced, unless I myself, want to be.

So when someone cuts me a line, or hands me creepy looking roots, it’s me deciding to take or reject them. Not anybody else. I decide for me whether I want to adventure or not, become an addict or not.

I make my own decisions, so nobody will have to feel sorry for tainting me. I’m not being tainted really, I’m just making my own choices. I can regret for myself, so you don’t have to. No really, don’t even try. I’m not the type to get dependent on something.

I think being influenced and independence go hand in hand, but that’s a thought for another time.

traveling.

A couple of things that would be beneficial to look into when graduation rolls around:

• round the world air fares - flat rate for 5 countries over one year for most airline alliances
• 49 day average to buy flights
• 81 day average to buy international flights
• (200 days+ ticket is just as expensive as last minute tickets)
• super cheap travel destinations: backpacking through South America or South East Asia
• cheapoair.com for budget airlines
• a nice, sturdy camera

yeahway:

The KXL pipeline will wreck our climate. It’s time to say #NoKXL.

“The KXL (Keystone XL) pipeline is a climate bomb that we must defuse now. We say no to KXL, and yes to the Separation of Oil and State.” - See more at: http://nokxl.org/#sthash.8W2lytKX.dpuf

SIGN THE PETITION!!

(via #NoKXL)

Top Ten Most Common Mistakes a New Grad Can Make →

  1. Not traveling after college. Once you enter the “real world,” there are few opportunities when you’ll have a few months to do whatever you want. That’s because once work starts, while you may get one or two weeks off throughout the year, they most likely won’t be back-to-back. Thus, if you have wanderlust, the summer after you graduate (those two-to-three great months of uninterrupted freedom) is the time to scratch that itch. Of course, if you have debt to repay or other financial obligations to fulfill, then we understand why travel might not be in the cards today (although perhaps you’ll have an opportunity down the line, maybe between jobs, when you can pack your bags and yell, “Hasta Lavista America”), but if you’re just worried about not having enough cash, don’t forget that there are tons of volunteer opportunities (which you can find on Idealist.org,TransitionsAbroad.com, VoltuneerInternational.org, etc.) and scholarships (e.g., work-study, Fullbright) that can send you abroad for free.Note: Read our article “Where to Go After College…Travel, Work or Volunteer?” for more inside information on traveling abroad after graduation.
  2. Not considering moving home. There’s no way around it. Rent is expensive. Nonetheless, a ton of grads jump right into renting a place after college. Unfortunately, this can turn out to be a financial burden that they can’t handle, or just as bad, it could force them into careers they never wanted to pursue, just because they needed to afford rent. While the following suggestion isn’t perfect for everyone, consider moving home, even if just for six months (assuming your parents are cool with it and you won’t rip out your hair as a result). This can give you some breathing room to figure out what you want your real next step to be. And if you don’t move home, at least consider a roommate (that you can get along with an be on the same page as). It will make your life a lot easier.Note: Read “Moving Back Home” for real-life advice direct from my own experience of moving in with my parents after college (and after a failed attempt to live in a big city I couldn’t afford!)
  3. Ignoring health insurance. Walking around without health insurance is like playing Russian Roulette. There’s just no reason every recent grad shouldn’t by insured. And you don’t even need a job to get insurance. If you’re unemployed, for affordable options, look to state sponsored programs such as Healthy New York in New York City (or the equivalent in your state), the Freelancers Union or even Short-term Health Insurance providers. This will keep you out of a situation in which you’re hit by a bus and end up wracking up $500,000 in medical expenses that you need to spend the next twenty years paying off because you didn’t opt for the $100/month state-subsidized plan (if you think we’re trying to scare you into getting health insurance, well, you’re right!)
  4. When looking for a job, only looking for a job. Imagine this… you’ve been looking for a job for the past six months and you finally snag an interview. Your interviewer asks, “So, what have you been up to for the past six months?” And all you can respond with is, “Looking for a job… and going to the movies every Monday and Thursday with my mom.” Not so hot. Instead, while looking for a job, also expand your network, pick up some new skills, intern, or just do something. That way when your interviewer asks what you’ve been up to you can tell a compelling story, which will put you ahead of 99% of the other job seekers out there who were only looking for a job.
  5. Not preparing to actually succeed in your job. It’s so easy to get caught up in trying to find a job, that you’re not prepared to actually thrive once you’re in. Case in point: showing up to a hard fought for job in a pink Hawaiian t-shirt on day one only to find out that everyone else is wearing suits. From office dress, to IM etiquette, knowing when to push back, recognizing that you can’t get drunk at the holiday party, mentorship and more, make sure you’re prepared.
  6. Missing the due date on a bill. Not only does it piss off whoever you were meant to pay (who needs enemies, or worse, angry debt collectors with baseball bats?), but it can also damage your credit. And if you damage your credit today, not only will it prevent you from taking out credit cards and cell phone plans in your own name now, but it very well may prevent you from getting a mortgage or car loan down the line.
  7. Thinking you can always start saving tomorrow. It’s ironic and unfortunate that the time at which beginning to save can have the greatest impact on your financial future is also the most difficult time to start doing so: right now. The reason is something you’ve gone over probably more times than you would have liked to thus far in life: the time value of money and compounding. Try this on for size. If you invest $1,000 per year, at the start of every year, for the next 30 years, and earn 8% (the average historical long-term return of the stock market), you’ll end up with $122,000 (even though you’ve only invested $30,000). That’s pretty rad. Now what about if you wait just three years to start investing? You’ll end up with almost $30,000 less. So start today so you can end up in that cozy shuffleboard community in Boca… or avoid it at all costs.
  8. Buying or leasing a new car. Really? Do you really need to? Why? So you can drive around in a car, attract members of the opposite sex (or same; whatever floats your boat), and then take them home to your… cardboard box… because after your car payments you couldn’t actually afford a place to live? On a more serious note, consider whether you really need a car after college. Maybe your local public transportation system works for you. If you really do need a car, go for a used one. It will be much more affordable. And even if you have the cash for a new one, odds are that within the next three to five years, you’ll be making another major life change (e.g., switching jobs, moving to a new city) and who wants to be stuck dealing with a car of which the value the second you drove it off the lot dropped by 20%? At least if it’s used, you can send it off a cliff into the ocean. Or maybe that’s just something only we’ve always dreamed of doing.
  9. Ordering in every night. $20 for chinese food, every night, Monday through Sunday… That adds up quickly. Now we’re not suggesting you should never order in. But consider donning a chef’s apron and whipping up some easy meals a few times a week (or better yet, make something you can produce in a large quantity and freeze to eat over several dinners). If you plan ahead and cook, it can save you a lot of moolah, and folks, let’s be honest, is there any better way to “bed” the apple of your eye then cooking an awesome meal?
  10. Forgetting about all of the awesome aspects of life after college. It’s so easy to focus all of your efforts on getting your finances in check, landing a job, renting a place, and everything else, that you let all of the fun part of life after college pass you by: cooking, dating, festivals, painting the town red, etc.. Even worse, going from the top of the pecking order (i.e., everyday having your choice of table in the cafeteria because you were a cool senior) to the bottom of the totem pole (i.e., corporate slave) can put people in a real rut. If this happens to you, just take a step back and realize that it’s just part of life after college… and a short part at that. Soon enough, you’ll have someone working underneath you, you’ll have a thriving independent adult life, etc. And just as importantly, recognize that life after college is a time for you to finally pursue exactly what you want to do, on every level, and that there’s an infinite amount of choice. Have fun with it! (If we come across as Tony Robins in this last point we apologize, but we thought it was necessary.)

direction.

I’m disappointed in myself.

I realized that today when I finally figured out what direction I wanted to go in life. Teach for America, JET in Japan, graduate school for an MBA in Environmental/International Business, EPA, the United Nations, politics. I can’t achieve those things without blood, sweat, and tears.

I’ve been slacking a lot lately, both in school and professionally. On the plane to Vegas today, I was planning what I wanted to accomplish in the next few years and I realized that this spring semester at Berkeley is probably the last time I could really accomplish anything significant in college. Yet, I haven’t put all my time towards my senior thesis or even shown up to all of my classes and for that, I’m ashamed. These last few months were literally the only thing I had to focus on, but I decided to prioritize playing hard and living an over-the-top lifestyle instead. I mean, I’m realizing this while already on board a flight to sin city.. Ironic, right? I really need to get my act together, no more dilly-dallying. I will stay up as late as I need to in order to get my thesis finished (and I want it to be written well). I want to attend all the classes that I can and stop turning assignments in late. And seriously, do I really need to drink five days a week? If I had time for that, I should have been at the gym.

I travel a lot, but usually it’s with the mentality that I’ve worked for it. If I don’t get my act together, my Europe backpacking trip this summer wouldn’t be worth it. I would have done nothing to deserve it.

You need to work to get where you want to go.

No more slacking.