emails.

I haven’t been blogging much lately, although I have a lot to say. Er well, more like many things have happened and self-identity has followed suit.

When I have time, I will be sure to write out everything I’ve been thinking about these past weeks. And though I haven’t been updating much I have, however, been writing a lot of emails and making a lot of video calls. Still have some emails to get around to this week - they really do take a lot of thought, but that’s what makes them more genuine (though letters are even better!). Some nights I spend talking about life & lovers with my Aussie, David. From Game of Thrones to how his girlfriend barely lasts a minute giving hand jobs - we’ve talked about the most random topics. So I reckon my many thoughts have been going every elsewhere.

It’s been a month since I’ve come here to Shanghai for my internship. I had a slow, lonely start this summer without the comfort of my friends. It was a strange feeling to not have internet and to not have my phone ringing or itching to be dialed from. Not to call a boyfriend or send mean texts to my brother. No in-n-out with my late-night buddy or Korean fried chicken with my pothead fox or Chicago pizza with the geezer. Truth be told, despite running away to other countries all the time, the first few nights are always the hardest. If not for the unfamiliarity, for the loneliness. I dislike admitting that because I feel like it is a sign of weakness - that dependence.

Like always, Jolie was right. It didn’t matter that my coworkers were all older than me and had graduated, I was still able to make friends. If I could do anything for this office, I hope that they keep the upbeat atmosphere I wanted to bring with me. I’ve grown to love these people (especially my boss, Steven) and have learned a lot, but sometimes I wonder if I’m missing out on tons of stories back home. That’s the trouble with my love for travelling and experiences, I guess. Sometimes I miss out on important things that can only happen from staying in one place. Like family trips or school reunions. Or getting wasted in a bar with my boys. 

If I were to admit I was scared of something, it would be that I would be alone or worse, forgotten. 

change.

Been thinking about hair a lot for the past hour.

Mine apparently can’t really take hair dye or hydrogen peroxide so well, so maybe I won’t be bleaching it anymore. Though I guess I should dye it some crazy color so that the blonde doesn’t go to waste.. Then again, I think I’ve done my fill for fucking with it. I know eventually I’ll go ahead and chop it off again.

I didn’t really notice much, but my body has changed a lot these past few years. My hips got annoyingly wide (my body must know I want an insane number of children), my face longer, my hands wrinkly, my feet coarse. Although it doesn’t necessarily mean I look older, I feel older. Maybe from all the places I’ve been visiting and learning from.

I’m proud to say, my mental and emotional states have changed a lot as well. I don’t think I was ever really an insecure person, but whatever I was before doesn’t compare to who I am now. I find myself becoming more and more independent every year, from my family, from high school comforts, from boyfriends. I find it exhilarating to know that I can travel on my own, shop on my own, eat, and explore a city on my own and not feel like I was missing something. This past school year was filled with things I could do, had to do and there was never moments where I was lonely for long. I liked the routines and friends I made on my own - I valued my life at Cal. Not to say I don’t value my relationships outside of college, I just felt empowered knowing I didn’t have to depend on them. I didn’t have to depend on a boyfriend. 

I understand myself a little more now and I feel even more comfortable being myself. I am secure, I know who I am and what I am worth. And I feel like that is the most important thing to take away from my “golden years”. 

Although things keep changing and I am still learning, it gives me peace to know that I won’t become a chubby, cranky Asian granny (oh, the horror). If I had anything to be thankful for my mother for, it’d be her good genes and happy-go-lucky mentality. 

virtues and vices.

What I want, what I’ve always wanted..

Has been honesty. It is the only thing that stands out among the traits I value in a person and in my relationships.

It always amazes me how insecurity gets in the way of everything that could be good in a person. I almost forgot how weak some people really are.

I value honesty, but I guess security with yourself is a close second.

pretty sure.

That was the end of that, but it might be because my period is this week. Somehow though, I kind of hope that was the last time.

I’m not sure why it piques me when I see you around the area or why I sit down waiting and watching when I know exactly who you’re with. I don’t understand why I get annoying, but I hope you don’t find me needy. With so many of those around, I especially don’t like being that kind of girl.

I haven’t really met her, but I kind of don’t like that she’s already taking you away. Then again, I haven’t seen you so happy in a while..

Leave it be.